Horrible Gifts

Alright, horrible gifts. You know the ones. Like when your great uncle buys you a can of haggis (they actually make that).

Suggested music: Misery – Maroon Five

dean_is_a_hottie asks: What’s the worst gift Dean has ever gotten?

Dean: Well, one time, my great uncle Howard bought me a can of haggis. I mean, technically it’s the thought that counts and he was senile, but still, what do I want with a can of haggis? It’s non-perishable, actually. I still have it. Anyone want it?

Emma_rocks_my_argyle_socks asks: What’s the worst present Emma has ever gotten?

Emma: Once, I got a cat sweater from my grandma. It had a tail. And it was pink with a frilly collar and sleeves. I burned it later. I’d feel bad if the sweater hadn’t been so incredibly ugly.

Nina_B writes: Let us never forget (or try really hard to?) my friend Stacey who got a vase from her boyfriend for Christmas. It looked like it had innocuously been placed on the set of Inglorious Basterds... it looked quite unfortunately like somebody had been machine gunned down in front of it. That my friends is horrible. She put lollipops in it.

Dean: Mmmm…lollipops…too bad about the vase, though.

Kitty_Bean asks: Have you ever been given hand-knitted, over-sized mittens for a present? My grandma always makes me some for Hanukah, but I never wear them because you could fit four hands in one.

Emma: She must think you have really large hands. Do you? And also, I have been given quite large mittens before. But my friend made them for me. My grandma can’t knit. She just buys really ugly sweaters.

Alvin_Mo asks: Why do people always buy me Chapters gift cards?

Dean: I’m not sure, Alvin. I don’t really know you all that well. Actually, I don’t really know you at all.

bulldog460 asks: What makes a horrible gift so horrible?

Emma: There are a lot of ways to tell if the gift you’ve been given in terrible.

1. Is it covered in cats?

2. Has it been hand-made? I know that some people think that makes the gift more thoughtful and meaningful, but they’re wrong. And likely very cheap. And that is why they made you the macaroni bracelet-necklace set in the first place. Heads up, you’re getting the earrings for Christmas.

3. Do you want/like it? If you don’t, chances are, it’s not a good present.

4. Is it itchy? That’s never good.

All good points.

Got questions? E-mail at us at deanandemmapluscrew@gmail.com. The next topic is cauliflower.

That's What She Said

You may have noticed that Emma and I have been on a bit of a hiatus. Why is that, you ask? Well, I really couldn’t tell you, but it involves people dressed up at loveable Disney characters and lots of roller coasters. It also involves Emma’s incredibly wealthy uncle. Anyway, on to the long awaited topic of “that’s what she said”.

Suggested music: Sex Bomb – Tom Jones

McLovin writes: Friendship is like a wave. You have your up and downs, and sometimes you get wet.

Dean: I really had no idea where you were going with that. But funny and kind of related to the topic, I guess. I think I’m going to make it my new motto.

Laura_Rocks writes: One time, my friend needed help rolling up her sleeping bag because she had injured her knee. I asked why her knee injury had anything to do with packing up her sleeping bag, and she said “I need your help because I can’t go on my knees”.

Emma: That is what she said.

Nina_B asks: What came first, "That's What She Said" or The Office? And did they make those jokes on the British one?

Dean: I don’t think they had it on the British one. I think it’s just a Michael Scott thing, although I honestly have never seen the British version. And I’m not sure which came first. Maybe it’s like the whole chicken and the egg thing (it’s probably not, but that’s may answer anyway).

Karl_R writes: I overheard my older sister talking to her friend on the phone once and she was complaining about this new lipstick or something. She was all, “how am I supposed to use this? It’s too hard.”

Emma: That’s what she said.

Gnarly_Joe writes: What what in the butt.

Dean: That’s not really what she said…

Princess_Possum_Pants asks: Who is “she”? And why is she so inappropriate?

Emma: She’s just a generic girl. And I would argue that she’s not exactly inappropriate. Just adventurous. And a little loose, as my grandma would say. And no, my grandmother is not a nice lady.

dean_is_a_hottie asks: Why aren’t there any “that’s what he said” jokes?

Dean: I think there are. You know, if you try to make a “that’s what she said” joke, but it isn’t gender appropriate, you can just make it into a “that’s what he said” joke. It doesn’t discriminate!

Riley_is_on_a_boat asks: How many antelopes does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Emma: Not enough.

Alright, that was weird…

Want to ask ridiculous and irrelevant questions about African animals? E-mail us at deanandemmaplsucrew@gmail.com. The next topic is horrible gifts.

Lady Gaga

Alright, so I’m back. The last topic was a little traumatizing for me, as Emma mentioned. Actually, she was surprisingly kind about that. I wonder why…Anyway, on to Lady Gaga.

Suggested music: Dude Looks like a Lady – Aerosmith

Karl_14_rocks asks: Why does Lady Gaga look like a man?

Dean: Poor genetics? A mixture of strong features and a thin face? Or perhaps she actually is a man. Wasn’t she trying to convince people that she was a hermaphrodite for a while there?

amy_jones asks: What’s your least favourite Lady Gaga song? Mine is Telephone.

Emma: Oh man, have you heard Beyoncé’s Video Phone? Clearly Lady Gaga and Beyoncé flipped a coin for who would get Video Phone and who would get Telephone. Beyoncé obviously lost.

johnny_gale writes: Lady Gaga looks like Howard Wolowitz from The Big Bang Theory. Anyway, since you never answer your phone, man, and spend all your time doing this, I figure this is the only way to get a hold of you. What do you think of Emma’s friend Lucy?

Dean: You know, she does kind of look like Howard. Funny. And Lucy’s a nice girl. Little strange, but nice. And smart. Why?

billy_bee asks: Why does everybody else keep copying Lady Gaga?

Emma: Technically, I think Lady Gaga copied other people first. Like Madonna. And possibly Gwen Stefani.

johnny_gale writes: Hmmm…so do you think I should ask out Lucy?

Dean: You know this is a public forum right? I think you already have asked her out.

dean_is_a_hottie asks: What is Lady Gaga’s real name?

Emma: Well, Wikipedia is telling me that it’s Stefani Joanne Angelina Germanotta. So it’s Stefani Joanne Angelina Germanotta.

johnny_gale writes: Okay, I’m going to do it. Lucy, will you go out with me?

Dean: Okay…this has taken a completely irrelevant turn…

Lucy_Diamond writes: Yes! I will definitely go out with you!

Emma: How precious. You heard it here first, folks. Lucy and Johnny have gotten together.

I’m just going to stop it here, because things have gotten out of hand and none of it has anything to do with Lady Gaga.

Want to ask someone out on a public website? E-mail us at deanandemmapluscrew@gmail.com. The next topic is “That’s what she said”.

Cats

Today we’re talking about cats. Dean hates cats. A lot. So he refused to partake in this one. Seriously. He really, really hates them. It has something to do with a horrible experience he had with his grandma’s eight cats when he was a child. To be fair, she’s a really mean old lady and her cats are not much nicer. So there you go. Anyway, here to help me is my friend Lucy. She’s real special.

Suggested music: What’s New Pussy Cat – Tom Jones

Kitty_kat writes: I LOVE cats!!! They’re so cute and cuddly and soft and furry!! I have two, but I really want another one. My mom won’t let me get one, though. She says that they’re horrible creatures. She’s totally WRONG! Cats are amazing!!!!

Emma: I am inclined to agree with your mother. Although, I did have one cat when I was four that was pretty cool. His name was Daredevil Boots. He actually used to hurl himself from the back of the couch and do flips in the air. Looking back on it, though, I’m not entirely certain he meant to do those flips. I think he just had an inner ear problem that threw his balance off because, more often than not, he would end up landing on his head.

Cats_suck asks: What’s up with those weird people that have like cat lawn ornaments?

Lucy: I once had a neighbour that had cat wind chimes. They were super creepy, because they had cats on them, and really annoying, because they were wind chimes. Hear that, folks? Don’t buy wind chimes. Don’t do it.

Marsha_mallow writes: I really like cats. I have a cat. Her name is Dame Fluffy Whiskerkins-Bottom.

Emma: Good Lord, is that your real name? Also, is that your cat’s real name? Because both are incredibly cruel.

Ella_Luvs_Kittens asks: What’s your favourite kind of cat?

Lucy: Tigers. Of the Siberian variety.

Nina_B writes: If I had a cat, I’d name her Susan. I’m not sure what I would name it if it was a boy. I’m leaning towards Bill.

Emma: If I had a cat, I’d name it Melvin. And if it was a girl, I’d still name it Melvin. I’d consider Melvina, though.

johnny_gale asks: Lucy, do we have biology homework?

Lucy: That has absolutely nothing to do with cats. And yes.

Gnarly_Joe asks: How can you tell if someone’s a crazy cat lady? I think my mom may becoming one.

Emma: There are three simple ways to tell if someone’s a crazy cat lady:
1. Are they a lady? If not, they could likely be a crazy cat man.

2. Are they crazy? If they’re not crazy, then they could still be obsessed with cats, which, frankly, isn’t much better.

3. Do they own a lot of cats and/or cat paraphernalia? If they don’t, then they’re probably just plain crazy.

johnny_gale writes: I know it has nothing to do with cats, but this was just a convenient way for me to ask if we had biology homework. And you told me we did, so clearly it was effective.

Lucy: True. However, in the spirit of catliness, I would like to pose a question to all of our lovely readers. If you happen to own a pet, why do people automatically buy you gifts related to said pet? Say you bought a greyhound. Why do people then feel the need to buy you greyhound calendars, greyhound coffee mugs, and greyhound post-it notes? I mean, I don’t even drink coffee!

I told you she was special.

Got questions that don’t pertain to your twelfth grade biology class? E-mail us at deanandemmapluscrew@gmail.com. The next topic is Lady Gaga.

The A-Team

Emma is back and with a vengeance. She, as predicted, did not have a good time with her aunt Sylvia and her bristly mustache. But that was to be expected. In any case, she is very excited about this topic and even picked the song for this discussion. It’s all very exciting. Let’s do this!

Suggested music: Shoot to Thrill – AC DC

Nina_B asks: Who was the new guy who plays AB in the new movie? And really, who was Mr.T? Was he anything other than AB?

Dean: Well, Nina, the actor was not actually an actor. He was, in fact, a UFC fighter. His name is Quinton Jackson, which, if I say so myself, is a pretty spectacular name. I think I will name my children that. I’ll have twin boys and name one Quinton and the other Jackson. But enough about me. Mr. T is also well-known for his role in the Rocky franchise (Rocky III, to be specific) as boxer Clubber Lang. I first read that as “Chubber Lang”, which seems rude somehow. Also, he does those World of Warcraft commercials for the nighthawk elf warrior mohawk things or whatever. I don’t really know and what’s more, I don’t really care. And finally, it’s B.A. Baracus. Not AB. Close, though. Good effort.

dean_is_a_hottie writes: I’ll have babies Quinton and Jackson with you, Dean!

Emma: I was so excited about doing this topic and you’ve completely ruined it for me. I wanted to answer questions about The A-Team and their amazing amazingness. And instead you give me this. Sigh…

Felicia_Watson asks: Have you seen the new movie? Would you recommend it to someone like me (someone being a person who wasn’t alive when the television show was on and not a teenage boy)?

Dean: I have seen it, actually. Opening night, in fact. I liked it, but then again, I am a teenage boy. Emma went with me and also liked it, but then again, she’s practically a teenage boy (bahaha). However, I wasn’t alive when the old show was on and still enjoyed it. I think you’d like it. Well, I mean, if you like pure action films. Plus, the actors did a good job. Who doesn’t like Liam Neeson? And Quinton Jackson did a surprisingly good job for not being a real actor by profession. He should look into enunciating more, though.

Franklin_M asks: What’s Mr. T’s real name?

Emma: Laurence. I kid you not.
johnny_gale writes: I also saw the movie, also with Dean and Emma. I liked it, but I am confused about Jessica Biel. She’s an alright actress and I have nothing against her, but how did she even get famous? Did it all start when she started dating Justin Timberlake?

Dean: No, no, no. Jessica Biel was sort of famous before then. She was on popular after school drama, 7th Heaven. And when I say popular, I mean a smattering of interested teen Christian followers.

Evan_Grossman asks: I just saw the new movie and I cannot for the life of me remember what Liam Neeson’s character’s name is? Also, was Liam Neeson in Batman Begins?

Emma: Okay, Liam Neeson’s character is Colonel Smith. And he was in Batman Begins. He plays classic villain Ra’s Al Gul. Maybe I spelled that wrong, but I mean really, who cares?

I certainly don’t. And let’s leave it at that.

Mildly interested in something? E-mail us at deanandemmapluscrew@gmail.com. The next topic is cats.

Heidi Montag

So now it’s time to discuss Heidi Montag. Emma is visiting her aunt Sylvia in Perry Sound. The woman has a mustache and glasses as thick as Coke bottles. So, good luck to Emma with all of that. Here to help me answer all of your really important questions on Heidi Montag, is my cousin Mike yet again. This should be good.

Suggested music: Barbie Girl – Aqua

Nina_B writes: With her name you'd think that she's a cute little German girl with lederhosen and a beer stein that holds a litre of Heineken... instead, doesn't she look like a stepford wife?? Anybody else?? I find her limited range of facial motion alarming.

Dean: You know, Nina, I have noticed that she has an alarming lack of facial movement. And wasn’t Nicole Kidman in The Stepford Wives? Because she also has very little facial movement.

Heidi_and_Spencer_4eva writes: I really like Heidi Montag. She only got plastic surgery because people like you do things like this.

Mike: You may have a point. But on the other hand, I really don’t care so I’m going to keep doing this anyway.

LC_beats_Kristen asks: What did Heidi even have done to her body? I mean, besides the gigantic boob job. That one’s pretty obvious.

Dean: Well, let’s see. The Internet is telling me she had ten procedures. They are as follows:
1. Breast augmentation
2. Botox
3. Mini brow lift
4. Nose job revision
5. Chin reduction
6. Liposuction on her waist and thighs
7. Fat injections in her cheeks and lips (that’s disgusting)
8. Ears pinned back (how is that necessary?)
9. Neck liposuction (no, I’m sorry, how is this necessary?)
10. Buttocks augmentation (that’s just funny)

Elli_jelly_belly asks: What is up with her husband? He’s crazy!

Mike: I think he might have anger management problems. On the other hand, she married him, so who is crazier? The crazy one or the crazy one that marries the crazy one? And yes, I just stole that line from Star Wars. Don’t judge me. It’s better than the crap we’re talking about right now.

So, what can we learn from this, folks? Heidi Montag has had surgeries done to her body that I didn’t even know existed? I mean, how do you even find out that you want to have neck liposuction?

Got questions? E-mail us at deanandemmapluscrew@gmail.com. The next topic is going to be the A-Team.

Peanuts

Alright, ladies and gentlemen, ready to talk about peanuts? Are you pumped? Psyched? Excited? Full of intrigue? Well don’t be, it’s just a nut.

Suggested music: Pork and Beans – Weezer

johnny_gale writes: Hmm…what do I have to say about peanuts? Nothing. So I will comment on something Dean said last time. He said, and I quote, “I think we all knew they were a type of fish, Johnny” while we were talking about koi. But before then, he said, and I quote again, “But seriously, what is a koi?”. So which is it, Dean?

Dean: You have too much time on your hands. And anyway, after I asked what a koi was, I said, and I quote, “A type of fish or some sort of amphibian, obviously, but what do they look like?”. So obviously I really did know what a koi was.

mini_mimi writes: I’m allergic to peanuts. I’m also allergic to all tree nuts, shellfish, red food dye, strawberries, goat milk, and penicillin. Oh, and pollen. Sometimes grass.

Emma: I don’t think you were meant to live.

johnny_gale writes: No, I don’t think you did know what a koi was. You said that it might be some sort of fish or an amphibian. So really, you didn’t know.

Dean: You do of course realize that we could just have this conversation in real life and not subject our poor readers to this crap. Also, why do you even care about this?

Dan400 asks: Why are more people allergic to peanuts than walnuts?

Emma: Well, Nina, because the universe is cruel. It’s ironic that people can’t eat peanut butter, but are at perfect liberty to eat walnut butter whenever they want. Most people don’t want to, though, because walnuts are bitter and gross and they don’t get any better in butter form.

Nina_B asks: But why are people more allergic to peanuts than they are to walnuts?

Dean: That is a very good question. I suggest you Google it, because I have no idea and would just make things up. Kind of like Emma just did.

Nelly_bo_belly asks: Are peanuts classified as a seed? Or are they like a fruit?

Emma: They’re classified as nuts. Honestly, it’s right in the name…

johnny_gale writes: I am not done with this conversation, sir. I care about your outrageous lies because you made me look bad. I demand a full, formal apology.

Dean: No.

Tad_is_cool asks: Crunchy peanut butter or smooth?

Emma: Obviously smooth. Why do they even make crunchy peanut butter? Just eat peanuts.

Bootylicious writes: I knew a girl once who thought that they stopped putting the peanut on the top of the peanut butter jar because of peanut allergies.

Dean: Well, that is really stupid. Why would she think that? Also, Emma says she hoped you smacked her after that. I do not condone violence, but if I did, this would be the time to.

kitty_kat asks: Can dogs be allergic to peanuts? Because we give my dog peanut butter all the time. That’s how we get him to eat his pills.

Emma: A dog, really? You seem more like a cat person. And I’m sure animals can be allergic to peanut butter. I once had a dog that was allergic to grass. She led a pretty sad existence.

Got ridiculously long, rambling stories about your pet’s allergies? E-mail us at deanandemmapluscrew@gmail.com. We’re going to be talking about Heidi Montag next time.

Metaphors

Metaphors…whoot…this is going to be terrible. Horrendous, even. So, without further delay, I give you my own personal hell.

Suggested music: Making Out – No Doubt (this one doesn’t really fit in with the topic, but honestly, what song reminds you of metaphors? I am personally never reminded of metaphors, so this was particularly challenging)

redwarrior: Really? This is the stupidest topic yet. You’re beyond lame now.

Dean: I agree, quite frankly. I mean, not about being lame, but this topic is going to be extra challenging. We’ll try to keep it interesting for you. Or, rather, I’ll just try to use a lot of different adjectives so that you can learn other words than just “lame”. Seriously, buy a thesaurus. You can get them at most bookstores.

Nina_B writes: Red Warrior is tube socks. Or toe socks. Whichever is least cool. See what I did there?

Emma: Very good metaphor. I see what you did there.

Nina_B asks: Also, I feel like this topic is the best topic ever. This topic is chocolate cake, Charles David boots, and Sauble Beach. I am so brilliant.

Dean: Ah, more adjectives. Brilliant. Paying attention, redwarrior?

geoffrey_chaucer's_lover writes: In my first year English class my prof kept going on and on about metaphysical conceit, and never even explained it. What's the difference between a metaphysical conceit and a metaphor?? I still don't know!

Emma: Good Lord. I have no idea what you’re talking about. To be perfectly honest with you, I don’t even understand half the words you used right then. Good luck with that.

redwarrior writes: I HATE you. You’re both IDIOTS.

Dean: Now I’m confused by your capitalization again. Are you emphasizing verbs or nouns? You used to capitalize adjectives. What madness is this?!

dean_is_a_hottie writes: I totally get metaphors. Like, for example, dean is a total hottie!

Emma: That is not a metaphor. It’s just dumb. Besides which, you are wrong. So, you fail on both accounts with this one. Better luck next time.

emma_rocks_my_argyle_socks writes: dean_is_a_hottie is like a goldfish. Maybe the one in the koi pond who gets eaten by a squirrel.

Dean: That’s not a metaphor, that’s a simile. And aren’t there koi in koi ponds? Wouldn’t that make more sense? But seriously, what is a koi? A type of fish or some sort of amphibian, obviously, but what do they look like? And do squirrels even eat them? Don’t squirrels just eat nuts or something? They don’t really seem like carnivores.

dean_is_a_hottie writes: Fine. I guess I’ll come up with a better metaphor. Dean is Brad Pitt!

Emma: No, he most certainly is not. Brad Pitt is Brad Pitt and I’m sure he would not appreciate Dean stealing his identity.

johnny_gale writes: I just looked up koi on Google. Apparently they are a fish. And lots of people get tattoos of them. Most of them are really ugly. Who gets a tattoo of a fish?

Dean: I think we all knew they were a type of fish, Johnny.

Share your feelings about koi fish tattoos with us at deanandemmapluscrew@gmail.com. Next we’ll be talking about peanuts.

Beyoncé

Alright, so you may have noticed that Nina_B has been writing to us a lot of late. This is wonderful. To reward her commitment to our amazing website, we have asked her to join us as a guest host. So please welcome my new friend Nina (she says hi). This time we are talking about Beyoncé.

Suggested music: Bootylicious – Destiny’s Child

Penny13 asks: What really happened between Jay-Z and Rhianna that sparked the song “Ring the Alarm”, which was really not that popular?

Dean: I’m choosing to ignore the first part of your question and I’m going to respond to the last part instead. “Ring the Alarm” was really not that popular because she seemed to have fired her choreographer and her dancing was frightening.

Nina: Considering Jay-Z’s song “99 Problems”, it would be really foolish of him to be a cheater. On the other hand, Rhianna is 6 feet tall and incredibly terrifying. She could take Jay-Z and Beyoncé if she really wanted to. So essentially, I don’t know.

princess_twinkle_sparkles asks: Do you think Beyoncé eats ice cream?

Emma: If you were incredibly wealthy, wouldn’t you eat all the ice cream you could? As a matter of fact, I think Beyoncé is a huge fan of ice cream. I also think that the rest of Destiny’s Child ate some of her ice cream. She was very upset and that’s why no one can remember their names anymore. Do not mess with Beyoncé.

Nina: I’m lactose intolerant. But Beyoncé did write a song called “Bootylicious”. Enough said.

dean_is_a_hottie asks: Does Dean think Beyoncé is a hottie? Should I be jealous?

Dean: Whoa, whoa, whoa. Moving a little too fast there, my friend. Secondly, yes. She’s very attractive. I am, however, slightly afraid of her. She seems like an angry diva that would squash me if I stood in her spotlight by accident.

Nina: Oh, dean_is_a_hottie, I always enjoy your questions, but let me assure you, Dean looks very squashable. Not even necessarily by Beyoncé.

Danny_V asks: Whatever happened to the rest of Destiny’s Child? What were their names again?

Emma: I’m telling you, they ate some of Beyoncé’s prized ice cream and she ruined their lives. Do not mess with Beyoncé.

Nina: I believe one is called Kelly Rolland. I may be wrong and I only remember her because she has terrible hair. As for the other one, I hope she’s living quietly and comfortably with all the millions of dollars she made with Destiny’s Child and that she will never try to make a come-back.

Queen_Bee writes: Doesn’t Beyoncé have a younger sister or something? Wasn’t she a singer too?

Dean: Not a very good one.

Nina: Just to clarify, I think Dean is saying she wasn’t a very good singer. He couldn’t possibly know that she’s a bad sister.

Michelle_94 writes: I once saw Beyoncé in real life. I was on a family trip to Miami and she was on a yacht with Jay-Z. I didn’t actually meet her in person, but I saw her from the beach. I bet she smells good.

Emma: That was a little weird…and probably not. If you were that rich, you would smell like money. And money smells like unclean metal and dirty paper bills. It’s probably best that you didn’t meet her in person because you would smell by association. Plus, she’d likely have a restraining order out on you now.

Nina: I once saw Beyoncé in real life too. I was at home and she was on TV. Still real life, though.

Got real life questions for us? E-mail us at deanandemmapluscrew@gmail.com. Next time we’re talking about metaphors (Nina picked it and she’s excited. I am not).

Superheroes

Superheroes! That’s right, folks, it’s superhero day here at “Emma and Dean’s Guide to Life”. This is good news. You know what else is good news? Emma has gone on a family trip to the zoo with her parents and wee little Britt. Excellent. That means that someone new is here to fill her place. Don’t get too excited, it’s just my cousin Mike.

Suggested music: The Ultimate Showdown – Lemon Demon

Tiny_Tina writes: I don’t understand what Wonder Woman represents. She’s supposed to be this iconic American symbol of virtue and truth, with high values and a strong sense of womanhood. At the same time, she wears a skimpy little costume, has double D’s, and I’m pretty sure she has a thing with both Superman and Batman. I’m confused by what she’s supposed to be symbolizing. She seems like a huge contradiction.

Dean: Umm…yes. I think her creators were trying to make a superhero that was accessible to North American women with her strong values and feminist attitude. At the same time, I don’t think they wanted to alienate their male readers. Hence the double D’s.

dean_is_a_hottie asks: Who’s Dean’s favourite superhero?

Mike: First of all, Emma is right about Dean. He’s really not that attractive. Speaking as a part of the better looking side of the family, he could do with a little more muscle and a little less eyebrow. Now on to your question. I think Dean’s favourite superhero is likely Superman. Why? Not sure. Superman is kind of lame.

Nina_B writes: First of all, where on the great good earth did you find a picture of those bikini jeans?? Am I just sheltered, naive, or normally dressed? Because I had never even heard of those things, let alone seen them. People wear that???

Secondly, on to superheros. I feel like superheros (and the comic books, graphic novels, and blockbuster movies devoted to them) have played a really big part in elevating what was formerly "nerdy" to "cool" and what was formerly "cool" to suuuuuper lame (ie guys with pink polos and the collars popped. You know what I mean). Anywhoot, this seems pretty super and powerful, no? So superheros ARE REAL!

Dean: Alright, this is a long one. So I saw the bikini jeans in a magazine once. Not surprisingly, they were listed under the category of “super ugly jeans”. If you want to see something truly horrifying, check out the “Backtacular”. And I feel like you are not sheltered nor naïve, but fortunate that you do not know that kind of horror. Well, now you do. Sorry. And apparently people in Japan and Brazil wear those, but I don’t think that’s actually true. I mean really, who would wear those? I certainly wouldn’t.

Onto the next part of your e-mail. I do know what you mean! I hate those guys and their popped collars. They all have Ed Hardy trucker hats too. What’s up with that? Seriously, they all look like John Gosselin. And I agree. Superheroes are quite super and powerful. How astute of you.

super_cute_girl asks: DC or Marvel?

Mike: Ooh…tough question. Okay, while Marvel has probably made more money in the box office in recent years, what with all three Spider-Man movies, the new Iron Man series and all its spin-offs, and X-Men, DC still has Batman. And who doesn’t love Batman? However, I just listed quite a few superheroes that are far cooler than most DC characters. Batman might be freaking awesome, but Superman can be kind of lame and who likes Aquaman? I mean, come on, what can he do out of the water? Not a heck of a lot.

Tony_Stark’s_illegitimate_love_child asks: What’s up with Nick Fury being a white dude and then Samuel L. Jackson?

Dean: What’s up with Katie Holmes being replaced by Maggie Gyllenhaal?

catwoman324 writes: DC is totally better! What are you talking about, man? Besides, Marvel has plenty of lame superheroes. What about The Fantastic Four? What was up with Jessica Alba in those movies? Also, what about Captain America? He’s not very cool.

Mike: I feel like catwoman324 is actually a guy…and Captain America is a national icon. I mean, not for me, because I’m Canadian, but Americans feel very strongly about him. Okay, American nerds feel very strongly about him. And what is with Jessica Alba in any movie? Who saw “Honey”? If you answered “I did” to that last question, I genuinely feel for you. There’s a painful two hours of my life I’ll never get back.


He’s right. “Honey” is a terrible movie. Some people should just never be blonde. Jessica Alba is one of those people. Rosie O’Donnell is another, not that she is blonde. She just shouldn’t be.

Repulsed by the thought of Rosie O’Donnell as a blonde? Share your imaginative pain with us! E-mail us at deanandemmapluscrew@gmail.com. The next topic is Beyoncé.

Muskrats

The topic right now is muskrats. Why? Ask Emma. Seriously. Write in and ask her. I would really enjoy that because it would be a lot of fun for me to hear what she has to say in response. So please, ask.

Suggested music: The Lion Sleeps Tonight – The Nylons

Mr.Chewy asks: How long are a muskrat’s whiskers?

Dean: I cannot tell a lie, Mr. Chewy, I have no idea how long a muskrat’s whiskers are. Long enough. That’s my answer.

dean_is_a_hottie asks: Why is the topic about muskrats?

Emma: First of all, don’t be such a brownnose. I’m telling you, he’s really not that good-looking. You are sorely mistaken. And to answer your question, it’s because muskrats are excellent. Who doesn’t like muskrats? Honestly.

Nina_B asks: Are muskrats musky? Is that where they got the word “musk” from? And if you called a muskrat musky, would it be offended?

Dean: I’m not sure what muskrats smell like and I don’t know if that’s where they got the word. However, I definitely think a muskrat would be offended if you called it musky, even if that’s what it really smelled like. After all, wouldn’t you be offended?

Blue_belle asks: Are muskrats those little weasely animals that live in the forest?

Emma: No, those are weasels.

cruella_devil asks: Can you make fur coats out of muskrat skins?

Dean: First of all, your name in addition to this question frightens me. Secondly, I don’t see why you’d want to make a coat out of muskrats. I mean, I’m sure it’s possible. You could probably make a fur coat out of hamsters though too.

Blue_belle asks: Okay, if muskrats aren’t those little weasely things, then are they the animals that some really freaky people keep as pets and walk them around on leashes like they’re cats?

Emma: No, those are ferrets. And who walks their cat around on a leash?

Dianna42 asks: Can you keep a muskrat as a pet? Because my older brother has like a collection of weird pets. He has a snake, a couple of hairless moles, and a baby alligator.

Dean: I think you could keep a muskrat as a pet. I’d be a little afraid that the alligator would eat it, though. On the other hand, I guess if it doesn’t eat the hairless moles, maybe it wouldn’t eat the muskrat. Although, hairless animals are kind of creepy looking, so maybe the moles are just unappealing to the alligator. And now I have completely lost sight of what the original question was…I think I answered it.

Blue_belle writes: There’s a lady on my street that walks her cat. It’s really small and has big ears and huge eyes. Like the cat that’s always on those Taco Bell commercials.

Emma: That’s not a cat. That’s a Chihuahua. And Chihuahuas are dogs.

And on that note…

Got ridiculous questions about Mexican dogs? E-mail us at deanandemmapluscrew@gmail.com. The next topic is going to be superheroes.

Denim

The topic today is denim. I was away last week, as Emma said, but I had a reason, not that she cared. Clearly. I was away with my friend Johnny Gale. That’s pretty much all you need to know. Anyway, now it’s time to talk about denim.

Suggested music: Save a Horse (Ride a Cowboy) – Big & Rich

Nina_B writes: Did you know that if you do a mash up of your names it could be denim? Or more like Dean-em. But really close.

Dean: Umm…no, actually. I never thought of it. Thanks for pointing it out, though.

Karl21 asks: How do you feel about a jean vest with jeans?

Emma: Well, Karl, I don’t feel good about it. Only rednecks wear denim on denim. Don’t do it. Unless you’re a redneck, in which case, you probably won’t listen to me anyway.

little_rosie asks: What’s the worst kind of jeans ever?

Dean: That’s a tough one because there are so many to choose from. But I would have to say…bikini jeans. They’re jean on the bottom, with a denim bikini bottom attached on top. I’m not really sure what the point of them is. Maybe they were invented simply to win awards in the “worst jeans ever” category.

johnny_gale writes: I’ve decided to write into your website and harass you. Just for fun. What are we even talking about this time?

Emma: Oh, good. I was hoping I would have to talk to you on a regular basis. And we’re talking about denim.

redwarrior: Are you seriously still doing this? Why don’t you take a hint and stop already? You are so beyond LAME!

Dean: How many times have you called us lame? A lot, I would guess. Maybe you should find a better adjective. Switch it up a little. Maybe you could buy a thesaurus.

beverly_hill_billie writes: Excuse me, but I guess I am what you might call a “redneck” because I wear denim on denim all the time.

Emma: You should really consider not doing that.

Danielle347 writes: I think the worst piece of denim I’ve ever seen is a fringed vest that merged into denim skirt that was ankle length. It also had fringe.

And let’s leave it on that slightly disturbing note.

Got questions or even more complaints? E-mail us at deanandemmapluscrew@gmail.com. The next topic is muskrats.

Ponchos

Ponchos! Woohoo! Also, Dean is away again (lame). I don’t know where he’s gone, because, honestly, I didn’t listen to him long enough to find out. So anyway, I’ve brought my little sister Britt back to help me this week. She’s determined to write some of this in German. I fully apologize in advance.

Suggested music: A Kiss with a Fist – Florence and the Machine

Debbie_lynn writes: What is a poncho? Is that like some sort of Mexican food? I like Mexican food.

Emma: Oh Lord…no, you know what? Yes. Yes, ponchos are a type of Mexican food. They’re a cross between tacos and nachos. And similar to enchiladas.

ryan_rocks _the_world writes: Oh man. Does anyone else remember when ponchos were like the coolest thing ever?

Britt: Again, I am thirteen. I was born in 1997. Ponchos were cool in the late 60s, early 70s. I do not remember that because I had not been born yet. Seriously, people.

Nina_B writes: Your email confuses me. It always looks like dean and emma plu -screw. Perhaps that's rude. Also, who invented the poncho??? And can he/she be lynched for it?

Emma: Perhaps that is rude, but only because you’ve made it rude. Nicely done, my friend, nicely done. According to Wikipedia, which is a very reputable research source, the poncho was created by an ancient group of people from the Andes. They’re probably dead now, so lynching them would be a moot point.

dragon_ball_z asks: What’s the point of a poncho? Why not just wear a sweater?

Britt: That is a very good point. Ein sehr gut point. Ponchos are pointless. And I think we should all learn from dragon_ball_z’s example and not wear ponchos. Ever.

mikeT asks: Wasn’t Poncho the name of the Lone Ranger’s sidekick? Or was that his horse?

Emma: You are wrong on both accounts, Mike. The horse’s name was Silver, hence the saying “Hi ho, Silver, away!”. And the sidekick’s name was Tonto. Although, I’m sure he would appreciate you referring to him as “Poncho”.

allison_buttercup writes: I totally had a poncho when I was in grade school! It was pink with pom-poms and tassels. And it had a pink sequin flower pattern on it. I used to wear it like everyday to school. It was so cozy!

Britt: Oh dear God. Gott in Himmel.

reo_hayworth writes: I teach hip hop to young kids at a community centre and I have one student who wear a brown knit poncho to every dance class.

Emma: It seems cruel that her mother makes her take dance classes in a knit poncho. I mean, it really seems cruel that her mother would make her go out in public in a brown poncho, or a poncho at all, really. But I can’t imagine you’d be too cool in a poncho, both literally and metaphorically.

Superman writes: I had a waterproof poncho when I was younger. I used to wear it when it rained.

Britt: That seems like a good time to wear a waterproof poncho.

Das ist alles für heute. Don’t know what that means? Google translator.

Got questions or comments for us to translate? E-mail us at deanandemmapluscrew@gmail.com. The next topic is denim.

Leotards

Last week, mariah_lovely wrote in and gave us a great idea. So, from now on, we will be posting suggested music to listen to while reading the discussion. Good call. Also, today, I will be teaming up with my next-door neighbour of fourteen years. She’s a ballerina, so I figured she would know a fair bit more about leotards than I do. Emma keeps telling me I’m a weenie, but I think I better do this, lest we recreate another incident like the “hair extensions” post. Also, she always calls me a weenie, so what else is new?

Suggested music: Single Ladies - Beyoncé

dean_is_a_hottie asks: What’s the difference between a leotard and a unitard?

Dean: I have no idea. Fiona?

Fiona: Leotards are just like bodysuits, but unitards are kind of a whole body dealio. They go from wrists to ankles, usually. Nothing special, really. My dad combines all of them into one word and makes a kind of “bodytard” hybrid.

kool_cat asks: Who even came up with the leotard? And why? It seems pointless.

Emma: I actually know the answer to this question because I did a French project on this guy once. Don’t ask, my French teacher’s a sadist. Jules Léotard invented the leotard, hence its name. He developed the leotard because he was an acrobat and they wear spandex-esque clothing. He also invented the trapeze, so I guess we have him to thank for this super fit, acrobatic type people you see at the circus. You know, when you’re not being horrified by the clowns.

Pretty_Princess writes: They sell bodysuits at American Apparel. Like people actually wear those.

Dean: Well, I suppose it’s not a totally useless product to sell. I mean, dancers and gymnasts probably own a lot of bodysuits.

Fiona: No, she’s right. Who buys a bodysuit that they’re not going to use for some sort of physical activity? Plus, a lot of them are made of mesh and/or lace. And don’t have full bums. Why is that necessary?

hottie_with_a_body asks: Can I date Emma? Or is she with Dean? He seems lame. She could do better. I’m better.

Emma: Flattering. And good Lord. No, I am not dating Dean. And yes, he’s a little lame, but I probably won’t ever date you either. I know, it’ll hard to get over me, but I’m sure you’ll manage.

dean_is_a_hottie writes: While we’re on the topic, can I date Dean? And he is not lame. He’s super cool. And cute.

Dean: I’m blushing.

Fiona: He’s not lying. He really is.

redwarrior writes: You are SO LAME. Why do you still have this stupid website?

Emma: Oh God, how’d you get back in here? Dean! We need to screen better! Crap has slipped through the cracks again. Also, he’s reverted to using caps lock again.

lil_dilemma writes: I’m thinking of buying a leotard to wear under skirts. Should I get the solid black one or the leopard print one with a scoop back?

Dean: Uh…

Fiona: I strongly suggest that you buy neither. Plus, they probably don’t have full bums. Are you prepared for that?

cutie_pie asks: Could you use a leotard as a swimsuit?

Emma: Yes, but you could also wrap yourself in cellophane and call that a swimsuit, so I think it’s a moot point.

Emma has now stopped making sense, so I’m going to stop it here. A big thanks to my friend Fiona!

Questions? E-mail us at deanandemmapluscrew@gmail.com. The next topic is ponchos.

Vampires

This week’s discussion is on vampires. I really have nothing funny or interesting to tell you besides that. I suppose I could’ve let Emma do the introduction this week, but I really just didn’t want to. Oh well, too late now.

rpatz4life asks: Do you think Eclipse is going to be better than New Moon? I think that nothing can beat the original Twilight, though.

Dean: How did this already become a discussion about Twilight? You say the word “vampire” nowadays and people have the impression that it’s interchangeable with “Twilight” or anything Twilight-related. Let’s talk about Dracula instead. Lord, I would settle for Van Helsing.

mcr_fan writes: I was in Chapters the other day and 90% of the books they have display for the “teen fiction” section are about vampires. What’s up with that?

Emma: I blame Robert Pattinson. Make him four shades paler than he actually is (which is hard to do because he’s British), give him an American accent, and put creepy light brown contacts in his eyes and tween girls everywhere swoon in their seats. Throw in some incredibly sappy lines about “perfect” love and their moms swoon too.

true_blood asks: Can you actually kill a vampire with a steak to the heart?

Dean: I’m sure that if you fed a vampire an excessive amount of red meat, over time, they would develop some sort of heart failure and eventually die. They’d also never get iron anemia. However, drive a stake through their heart and they’ll keel over in no time.

vampire_slayer asks: Does garlic actually keep vampires away? How does that even work?

Emma: Yes, it actually works. Have you ever seen a vampire in Italy? That’s why. And I have no idea why it works. Who do you think I am? Bill Nye the science guy?

jilly_bean writes: That girl who played Buffy the Vampire Slayer was a really bad actress. Melissa Joan Heart or whatever.

Dean: No, Melissa Joan Heart was Sabrina the Teenage Witch. It’s a similar genre of television show, I know, but Sabrina is much more upbeat than Buffy was. More of a comedy, if you will. And yes, she wasn’t a very good actress, was she? But that’s to be expected I think. It was a science-fiction teen drama about killing vampires. In the nineties. Not a promising combination.

Edward_Cullen_is_awesome asks: Is no one going to address how hot Robert Pattinson is? He is so good-looking!

Emma: Meh. He’s alright. He’s really only “so good-looking” from certain angles. If you catch him full on, he’s not so good-looking. You know who is really good-looking? James Franco.

Jacobblack4eva writes: TEAM JACOB!!!!!

Dean: Seriously? More Twilight? I just want to live my life with a little less Taylor Lautner? Is that such a bad thing?

Got questions that pertain to Twilight? E-mail us at deanandemmapluscrew@gmail.com. next week’s topic is leotards.

Beanie Babies

I regret leaving. I think Britt may have seriously offended some of our readers. And I was actually buying cheap fertilizer with my mom. She can’t lift her arms above her head (it’s a real health problem), so lifting bags of fertilizer was a bit of a problem for her. You know how it is. Or you likely don’t, because your mothers can probably lift their arms above their heads. But I digress, on to beanie babies!

redwarrior asks: Seriously, where do you losers come up with these topics? Do you actually think people care about this crap?

Dean: I swear, as soon as we get at least one more person writing in each week, we’re going to stop posting your e-mails. Why are you so mean? Nice to see you’ve laid off on all the capitalization, though. One step at a time.

fluffykittenluv asks: What was your favourite beanie baby?

Emma: I used to have a duck beanie baby. It was one of the medium sized ones that cost a ridiculous amount of money for a bag of beans shaped as an animal. But then some kid my mom was babysitting sucked on one of its wings. I didn’t really like it so much after that.

penny_is_2_kool writes: I was at the mall the other day and one of the store had beanie babies for sale. Those things are only like $7.95 now. They used to be so expensive in the nineties.

Dean: They used to have those special edition ones that were even more expensive than the regular ones. I think they tried to tell us that they would be super exclusive collector’s items later in life. I think they might have been wrong.

redwarrior writes: I’m not going to stop writing to you until this website has been deleted.

Emma: I’m shaking in my booties.

hollyB asks: Does anybody remember when they came out with those beanie kid things? And then they had those beanie boppers or whatever.

Dean: Yup, I remember those. They were all sexually and racially ambiguous. And they all had weird names. Please, folks, don’t ever name your child “Shamrock” or “Calypso”. They will either be beaten up in the playground or become exotic dancers later in life. Probably both. Let’s be honest.

redwarrior writes: Why don’t you make your topics interesting? Talk about things that ACTUALLY MATTER.

Emma: Why don’t you dunk your head in a vat of electric eels? Go harass someone who cares.

rock_my_socks asks: What’s a beanie baby?

Dean: You’re kidding right? You were clearly born after the nineties. Anyway, a beanie baby is essentially a stuffed animal with beans in its bum. They were all the rage in the nineties and early two thousands. I cannot believe you actually just asked that question. I can’t believe I just explained to someone what a beanie baby was. What did you think it was? A baby that was literally just beans?

stacey’s_mom writes: Beanie babies are soooo cute! I love them! I have a collection in my bedroom.

I’m not even going to let Emma respond to that one. Nothing good could possibly come of it.

Questions? Please help us get rid of redwarrior. E-mail us at deanandemmapluscrew@gmail.com. Next week’s topic is vampires.

Sprinklers

Alright, today’s topic is sprinklers. But let’s address more serious matters. Two weeks ago, Dean said he would never let me introduce the topic again. To quote him directly, he said “I’m never letting Emma introduce the topic again”. Well, here I am, introducing the topic. Who wins? I win. Oh, and Dean is out of town today (probably moping about being called unattractive), so my little sister Britt is filling in for him. Not Brittany, Britt. She’s very particular.

Greenjohn asks: What do you think about water bans in the summer? There is a gross over-usage of water for residential areas, especially considering the majority of the world’s population can’t get enough to meet their basic needs.

Emma: Whoa, whoa, whoa…what kind of website do you think this is? Go write to Greenpeace or PETA or whoever deals with this kind of issue.

dances_with_wolves writes: I used to run through sprinklers with my older siblings in our backyard when I was younger. Did anybody else do that?

Britt: Yeah, we totally used to do that, until our pervy neighbour began spying on us through the hedges and our mom made us come inside. We never ran through a sprinkler again. Some people ruin everything.

lil_lady asks: Do people even use sprinklers anymore? Aren’t they like built into the ground?

Emma: Umm…no, not all are built into the ground. And yes, people still use them. How else could we over-use water in residential areas? Common garden hoses? No way.

pinkybean writes: Remember that old dance move from the seventies that was called “the sprinkler”? It always gave me whiplash.

Britt: No, I do not remember that. I’m thirteen. I was born in 1997, which was way after the seventies. Good for you for living this long, though. And about the whole whiplash thing…well, maybe there’s something wrong with your neck.

J_LEE asks: Didn’t they have special attachments for sprinklers that were made specifically for kids? I seem to recall having a couple of those in the early nineties.

Emma: Wow, there is a lot of reminiscing in this week’s post. And yes, I believe they did have those. As my sister already mentioned, we used to have a lot of fun with those until our pervert neighbour turned all creepy and ruined the fun.

redwarrior writes: This is a STUPID topic. You are so LAME.

Britt: I think we could all learn a thing or two from redwarrior. From now on, I’m going to capitalize all of my adjectives, just to make an emphasized grammar point. Dude, why are you so TOUCHY? Maybe you should do something BETTER with your time? Have you always been this ANNOYING? Get a life, maybe even an INTERESTING one.

Dina_Leana asks: What is the purpose of this?

Emma: Dina, your question was very vague. I’m sure you actually meant, “what is the purpose of this website?” or “what is the point of even discussing sprinklers?”, but I think I’ll take it to mean, “what is the purpose of a sprinkler?”. So, to answer your question, sprinklers have many purposes (much like silly string).
1. Sprinklers evenly distribute water to foliage such as grass, shrubbery, and flowers.
2. Sprinklers also provide entertainment for children in the summer. Until, of course, your pervert neighbours start creeping on you.
3. Sprinklers spawned a “hip” and “happening” dance craze in the late seventies. Not surprisingly, it was called “the sprinkler”. Amazing and unexpected, I know.
4. Sprinklers can also be used to prevent your crabby neighbour’s cat from killing the baby birds that live above your deck. Just one quick blast will pretty much deter the cat forever. They learn quickly.

redwarrior asks: What happened to Dean? I intimidated him and he punked out.

Britt: What an INTRIGUING thought, redwarrior. You are, however, MISTAKEN. Dean is out of town because my OLDER sister said that he wasn’t HOT. Well, that’s what she said. I think he’s actually helping his mom buy CHEAP fertilizer, but, let’s be honest, that’s BORING.

Alright, I think it’s time to call it a week, before redwarrior gets too ANGRY at my LITTLE sister.

Got anymore grammar tips you’d like to share? E-mail us at deanandemmapluscrew@gmail.com. Next week’s topic is beanie babies.

Silly String

Well, last week’s discussion on nose whistles was a raging success. Lolita_belle wrote in and asked us why we bothered posting the insults that had been e-mailed to us. Well, we posted them because we really didn’t get a huge response and that’s all we technically had to post. I suppose we could have faked some entries, but here at “Emma and Dean’s Guide to Life”, we like to keep things real. I’m not sure why. It would certainly be less painful to my ego if we made some things up. Ah well, Emma says I’m a weenie. Which is also a blow to my ego, so if I can take it in person, I guess I can handle it online. Great.

rpatz4life writes: I once used a whole can of silly string on my neighbour’s cat. It was blue by the time I had finished with it. But my neighbour is a little unhinged so she sued my mom for sexual harassment.

Dean: uh…

dean_is_a_hottie asks: Why does silly string even exist? What do you use it for? Besides torturing people, I mean.

Emma: First of all, I’d like to address your username. You’ve never seen Dean. To you, he’s just a wise internet being. But I have seen him in real life. I see him all the time, in fact. Trust me, you’re wrong. And now on to more important things ie. silly string. There are many practical uses for silly string.
1. Silly string can be used to ward off intruders in the event of a burglary. I’ve never actually tried this, but I’m sure a little silly string to the eye would certainly startle and disorient someone breaking into your house.
2. You can use silly string to decorate your house. A little silly string design on your walls would add a nice touch of colour and flair of fun to any room.
3. I’m sure if you let silly string harden, you could use it a substitute for wool in the event of a knitting emergency.
4. Silly string could plausibly be used to put out a fire (unless it’s made of a flammable substance, in which case, I formally apologize for this potentially life-threatening advice). Grease fire in your frying pan? No problem. Smother those flames with some brightly coloured silly string! Problem solved.
5. Coat your hands in silly string and use it a mitten replacement. This also applies to socks.

redwarrior writes: Dean’s still a dork. And silly string is LAME. Are you like twelve or something?

Dean: Or something. And I think you’re the lame one here. Do you seriously have nothing better to do with your time? Why not take up a hobby? Like knitting with slightly hardened silly string. According to Emma, that’s a practical usage for today’s fun topic (she’s totally wrong, by the way).

jennie_15 asks: What is wrong with redwarrior? Stop being such a mood killer, dude. Silly string is AWESOME!

Emma: I have no response to this comment. I would, however, like to comment on Dean’s comment. You could totally knit with silly string. He’s just hurt because I said he wasn’t a hottie (he’s not. I’m not wrong).

I feel like this discussion has slightly degraded, thanks to my colleague. And she’s wrong. On both accounts. Silly string could not be used for knitting and I am quite attractive.

More insults? E-mail them to us at deanandemmapluscrew@gmail.com. Next week’s topic is sprinklers.

Nose Whistles

I’m never letting Emma introduce the topic again. What is “boyness” anyway? Isn’t that what you want in a boy? For him to be like a boy? It’s all very ridiculous and I’m a little bitter, needless to say. Anyway, I guess I’ll move on instead of letting it fester inside me…on to nose whistles!

redwarrior writes: Nose whistles are only for old people.

Dean: Well, you may think so, friend, but lots of young people get nose whistles too. I, personally, have something of a paranoia about nose whistles.

LucyB asks: How can you get rid of a nose whistle?

Emma: There are four ways to get rid of a nose whistle.
1. Plug your nose for a couple of minutes and hope that you’ll either stick or unstick whatever is making the whistle noise.
2. Inhale really deeply. Try not to burst any blood vessels, though. Breathing, it’s a challenging thing.
3. Get one of those nose spray things and try to “clean out the works”, so to speak. I suppose Q-tips would also work, but I have this thing about Q-tips. Things that go in my ear should just not be used for other things. It’s a quirk.
4. If all else fails, breath through your mouth. However, don’t become a mouth breather. Mouth breathing is more annoying than nose whistles.

redwarrior writes: If you get nose whistles, then you’re a dweeb.

Dean: I’d have to disagree with that. If you get chronic nose whistles, you most likely have some sort of sinus problem.

caramel_monkey asks: What kind of topic is ‘nose whistles’? Your website sucks.

Emma: What kind of username is ‘caramel_monkey’? You’ve successfully combined two good things into one horrible entity. Caramel? Good. Monkeys? Cool. Caramel covered monkeys? Not so much. It would get all hairy and sticky and such. You suck.

redwarrior writes: Dean is a BIG DORKY DWEEB!

Dean: Epic fail on the alliteration front, man. You were close with “dorky dweeb”, but “big” killed it. You should’ve used a different adjective.

lil_princess asks: What’s a nose whistle?

Emma: A nose whistle is a whistle noise that comes from one’s nose, usually the elderly. In church. You know what I’m talking about. It’s really irritating and hard to get rid of. It does, however, possess a certain comedic value in the sense that the person with the nose whistle often doesn’t realize that they even have one. And then everybody else has a good laugh at their expense.

redwarrior writes: I will give Dean a permanent nose whistle. You better watch your back, punk.

Dean: Thanks for the warning, Clint, but if the worst you can do is a permanent nose whistle, I’m sure I’ll be fine. Not exactly top notch torture material, is it? You don’t hear of a lot of P.O.W. camps employing that certain tactic.

Got questions? Complaints? Insults? We’ll take it all! E-mail us at deanandemmapluscrew@gmail.com. Next week’s topic is silly string.

Harrison Ford

Alright, so I’m back from visiting my grandma in Listowel. By the way, don’t ever go there. Everyone’s a giant. So anyway, I read last week’s post and…well, I apologize for Dean and Johnnie’s incredible boyness. But this week’s topic should be great! Harrison Ford, baby!

Star_Wars_fan asks: What’s your favourite Harrison Ford movie?

Dean: Well, I feel like I should say Star Wars, but I honestly can’t decide. I really like a lot of them. Maybe the third Indiana Jones movie, Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade. You can’t go wrong with a Harrison Ford and Sean Connery team up.

Jamie_G_14 writes: Did you know that the hairy guy from that horse movie and that major trilogy was in Witness?

Emma: Yes, I do. For those of you who don’t, Jamie_G_14 is referring to Vigo Mortensen who plays Aragorn in the Lord of the Rings franchise and, incidentally, an Amish guy in the movie Witness. I can see where some of you would’ve gotten a little lost, though, because there are a lot of hairy guys in Lord of the Rings.

Maggie_4_Life asks: What would Harrison Ford and Calista Flockheart’s celebrity couple name be?

Dean: That’s an easy one. Harrista. Maybe even Harrista Flord.

jacob_is_da_bomb writes: HARRISON FORD RULEZ!!!!!!!!

Emma: Thanks for the input, jacob_is_da_bomb.

hannah_montanna_is_kool asks: How many kids does Harrison Ford have? Are any of them young or super hot?

Dean: Well, hannah (if I may call you that), Wikipedia tells me he has five. And I’m not sure I’m the best judge on whether or not any of his four sons are “hot”...I’m going to go with “probably”, though. It seems likely. Although, with the way he’s aged, I’m sure they’ll all end up with rather large noses.

devon4000 writes: Who do you think would win in a cage fight, Indiana Jones or The Rock?

Emma: Good Lord, do you even need to ask that question? You know what, I’m not even going to answer. How else will you learn?

And let’s leave it at that. Ask us questions! E-mail us at deanandemmapluscrew@gmail.com. Next week’s topic is nose whistles.

Hair Extensions

What’s on our minds today? Hair extensions. Why? God only knows. Also, Emma is away visiting her grandma (Hi, Mabel!), so I, Dean, decided to fly solo. This was, of course, last week before she told me that the topic was going to be hair extensions. Thus, I have invited my long-time friend, Johnnie Gale to help me. Does he know more about hair extensions? Probably not. Should be interesting.

Mrs.Bieber writes: I’m thinking of getting hair extensions because my hair doesn’t grow very quickly and I want long hair NOW. My hair is pretty short, though, so how long do you think I should get them?

Dean: Hmm…well, I’d say not very long because you don’t want a mullet. I may not know much about hair, but I do know that sort hair on top plus long hair underneath equals mullet. And times that by pi and you get ugly. It’s simple math, really.

lily_rocks asks: How do you know if extensions are good quality?

Johnnie: Umm…I’m going to say that, if they cost a lot, then they’re probably better than the plastic kind you can get at the dollar store. But then again, what the heck do I know? Good scotch is also expensive and it tastes like wood varnish.

crazy_cherrie asks: Will my flat iron melt my hair extensions? Like, doesn’t that happen sometimes?

Dean: I can’t say that I’ve ever heard of that happening. Of course, I also can’t say that I’m a hundred per cent sure of what a “flat iron” is…

Jay9 writes: I got hair extensions last week and when I washed them for the first time, my shampoo died that blue. What do you think I should do?

Johnnie: I would suggest buying better shampoo.

jennie_10_34 asks: Can you die your hair extensions? I want to die my hair, but I have extensions in and they’re blonde. Can I die them too?

Dean: Apparently you can, or at least Jay9 did with their shampoo.

ilikeponies asks: What kind of extensions are the best kind to buy?

Johnnie: Okay, you know what? I have no idea. I know nothing about extensions. My hair is like an inch long, if that. Dean, if you ever ask me to help you with this again, make the topic something I can actually handle.

Okay…I think that’s enough of that. Join us next week for a riveting discussion on Harrison Ford.

Got questions? E-mail us at deanandemmapluscrew@gmail.com.

Zombies

So, today’s topic is zombies. How fitting and practical, because the zombie apocalypse is coming. That is why I, Dean Marshal, have packed a crow bar into my first aid pack. I suggest you all do the same. So, without further ado…

Battlestar_439 asks: If zombies are undead, can you actually kill them? Haven’t they already died?

Dean: That’s a good question, Battlestar_439. And I suppose you can’t technically kill something that’s actually previously died, but I’m sure that if you knock its head clean off its shoulders you’ll certainly slow it down.

ethompson asks: How do people become zombies?

Emma: There are three ways to come back from the dead.
1. A zombie virus, which is spread through bodily fluids, infects the world. This is probably how the world will be infested with flesh eating monsters.
2. Some sort of magician, occult worker, or your superstitious aunt that no one invites to family get-togethers anymore raises people from the dead with a Ouija board. Sometimes it doesn’t work properly and the person you’re trying to resurrect starts thirsting for human blood. Then it’s time to give up the board.
3. If watching hours of James Bond movies has taught me anything, it’s that having a Chinese woman cook you duck is another way to come back from the dead (You Only Live Twice. Check it out).

surfer_dude_3000 asks: What if like your mom gets turned into a zombie and she tries to kill you? Are you supposed to like kill her or something?

Dean: When the zombie apocalypse hits, you have to stop thinking of your loved ones as, well, loved ones. You think your great aunt Ruth smelled like fermenting cabbage while she was still alive? Just wait until she’s undead. The fact of the matter is that zombies only want one thing and that is to eat your brain. I don’t care if it’s your mom and she spent twenty-seven hours in labour with you. Now she’s a zombie and now she’s trying to eat you. So take that meat tenderizer and hit her over the head with it!

fluffykittensrule asks: Can animals get turned into zombies?

Emma: I certainly hope not for your sake as you seem like something of an animal lover. And if animals can become zombies, I don’t want to be near the zoo when the apocalypse hits earth.

Chuck_Norris asks: Where’s the best place to be during the zombie apocalypse?

Dean: A great question, but first, let me say how honoured we are to have Chuck Norris take an interest in our website. But on to serious matters. In the event of a zombie apocalypse, closed spaces are never a good idea. Try to find a relatively large open space in which you know all the escape routes. And try to keep a weapon handy at all times, because, if the zombies sneak up on you, you don’t want to be unarmed. Also, Emma says “not near a zoo”.

Jonasfan_14 asks: If zombies attack the world, who would you save?

Emma: Well, I’m sure Dean would hope that I’d save him, because, let’s be honest, he runs like a girl. I’ll consider it. I’d for sure save James Franco, though, because, once the apocalypse has hit and we’re the only humans remaining, someone’s going to need to repopulate the earth. I am willing to take on that responsibility. What can I say? I’m selfless.


Got questions for us? E-mail us at deanandemmapluscrew@gmail.com. Next week’s topic is hair extensions.