Vampires

This week’s discussion is on vampires. I really have nothing funny or interesting to tell you besides that. I suppose I could’ve let Emma do the introduction this week, but I really just didn’t want to. Oh well, too late now.

rpatz4life asks: Do you think Eclipse is going to be better than New Moon? I think that nothing can beat the original Twilight, though.

Dean: How did this already become a discussion about Twilight? You say the word “vampire” nowadays and people have the impression that it’s interchangeable with “Twilight” or anything Twilight-related. Let’s talk about Dracula instead. Lord, I would settle for Van Helsing.

mcr_fan writes: I was in Chapters the other day and 90% of the books they have display for the “teen fiction” section are about vampires. What’s up with that?

Emma: I blame Robert Pattinson. Make him four shades paler than he actually is (which is hard to do because he’s British), give him an American accent, and put creepy light brown contacts in his eyes and tween girls everywhere swoon in their seats. Throw in some incredibly sappy lines about “perfect” love and their moms swoon too.

true_blood asks: Can you actually kill a vampire with a steak to the heart?

Dean: I’m sure that if you fed a vampire an excessive amount of red meat, over time, they would develop some sort of heart failure and eventually die. They’d also never get iron anemia. However, drive a stake through their heart and they’ll keel over in no time.

vampire_slayer asks: Does garlic actually keep vampires away? How does that even work?

Emma: Yes, it actually works. Have you ever seen a vampire in Italy? That’s why. And I have no idea why it works. Who do you think I am? Bill Nye the science guy?

jilly_bean writes: That girl who played Buffy the Vampire Slayer was a really bad actress. Melissa Joan Heart or whatever.

Dean: No, Melissa Joan Heart was Sabrina the Teenage Witch. It’s a similar genre of television show, I know, but Sabrina is much more upbeat than Buffy was. More of a comedy, if you will. And yes, she wasn’t a very good actress, was she? But that’s to be expected I think. It was a science-fiction teen drama about killing vampires. In the nineties. Not a promising combination.

Edward_Cullen_is_awesome asks: Is no one going to address how hot Robert Pattinson is? He is so good-looking!

Emma: Meh. He’s alright. He’s really only “so good-looking” from certain angles. If you catch him full on, he’s not so good-looking. You know who is really good-looking? James Franco.

Jacobblack4eva writes: TEAM JACOB!!!!!

Dean: Seriously? More Twilight? I just want to live my life with a little less Taylor Lautner? Is that such a bad thing?

Got questions that pertain to Twilight? E-mail us at deanandemmapluscrew@gmail.com. next week’s topic is leotards.

Beanie Babies

I regret leaving. I think Britt may have seriously offended some of our readers. And I was actually buying cheap fertilizer with my mom. She can’t lift her arms above her head (it’s a real health problem), so lifting bags of fertilizer was a bit of a problem for her. You know how it is. Or you likely don’t, because your mothers can probably lift their arms above their heads. But I digress, on to beanie babies!

redwarrior asks: Seriously, where do you losers come up with these topics? Do you actually think people care about this crap?

Dean: I swear, as soon as we get at least one more person writing in each week, we’re going to stop posting your e-mails. Why are you so mean? Nice to see you’ve laid off on all the capitalization, though. One step at a time.

fluffykittenluv asks: What was your favourite beanie baby?

Emma: I used to have a duck beanie baby. It was one of the medium sized ones that cost a ridiculous amount of money for a bag of beans shaped as an animal. But then some kid my mom was babysitting sucked on one of its wings. I didn’t really like it so much after that.

penny_is_2_kool writes: I was at the mall the other day and one of the store had beanie babies for sale. Those things are only like $7.95 now. They used to be so expensive in the nineties.

Dean: They used to have those special edition ones that were even more expensive than the regular ones. I think they tried to tell us that they would be super exclusive collector’s items later in life. I think they might have been wrong.

redwarrior writes: I’m not going to stop writing to you until this website has been deleted.

Emma: I’m shaking in my booties.

hollyB asks: Does anybody remember when they came out with those beanie kid things? And then they had those beanie boppers or whatever.

Dean: Yup, I remember those. They were all sexually and racially ambiguous. And they all had weird names. Please, folks, don’t ever name your child “Shamrock” or “Calypso”. They will either be beaten up in the playground or become exotic dancers later in life. Probably both. Let’s be honest.

redwarrior writes: Why don’t you make your topics interesting? Talk about things that ACTUALLY MATTER.

Emma: Why don’t you dunk your head in a vat of electric eels? Go harass someone who cares.

rock_my_socks asks: What’s a beanie baby?

Dean: You’re kidding right? You were clearly born after the nineties. Anyway, a beanie baby is essentially a stuffed animal with beans in its bum. They were all the rage in the nineties and early two thousands. I cannot believe you actually just asked that question. I can’t believe I just explained to someone what a beanie baby was. What did you think it was? A baby that was literally just beans?

stacey’s_mom writes: Beanie babies are soooo cute! I love them! I have a collection in my bedroom.

I’m not even going to let Emma respond to that one. Nothing good could possibly come of it.

Questions? Please help us get rid of redwarrior. E-mail us at deanandemmapluscrew@gmail.com. Next week’s topic is vampires.

Sprinklers

Alright, today’s topic is sprinklers. But let’s address more serious matters. Two weeks ago, Dean said he would never let me introduce the topic again. To quote him directly, he said “I’m never letting Emma introduce the topic again”. Well, here I am, introducing the topic. Who wins? I win. Oh, and Dean is out of town today (probably moping about being called unattractive), so my little sister Britt is filling in for him. Not Brittany, Britt. She’s very particular.

Greenjohn asks: What do you think about water bans in the summer? There is a gross over-usage of water for residential areas, especially considering the majority of the world’s population can’t get enough to meet their basic needs.

Emma: Whoa, whoa, whoa…what kind of website do you think this is? Go write to Greenpeace or PETA or whoever deals with this kind of issue.

dances_with_wolves writes: I used to run through sprinklers with my older siblings in our backyard when I was younger. Did anybody else do that?

Britt: Yeah, we totally used to do that, until our pervy neighbour began spying on us through the hedges and our mom made us come inside. We never ran through a sprinkler again. Some people ruin everything.

lil_lady asks: Do people even use sprinklers anymore? Aren’t they like built into the ground?

Emma: Umm…no, not all are built into the ground. And yes, people still use them. How else could we over-use water in residential areas? Common garden hoses? No way.

pinkybean writes: Remember that old dance move from the seventies that was called “the sprinkler”? It always gave me whiplash.

Britt: No, I do not remember that. I’m thirteen. I was born in 1997, which was way after the seventies. Good for you for living this long, though. And about the whole whiplash thing…well, maybe there’s something wrong with your neck.

J_LEE asks: Didn’t they have special attachments for sprinklers that were made specifically for kids? I seem to recall having a couple of those in the early nineties.

Emma: Wow, there is a lot of reminiscing in this week’s post. And yes, I believe they did have those. As my sister already mentioned, we used to have a lot of fun with those until our pervert neighbour turned all creepy and ruined the fun.

redwarrior writes: This is a STUPID topic. You are so LAME.

Britt: I think we could all learn a thing or two from redwarrior. From now on, I’m going to capitalize all of my adjectives, just to make an emphasized grammar point. Dude, why are you so TOUCHY? Maybe you should do something BETTER with your time? Have you always been this ANNOYING? Get a life, maybe even an INTERESTING one.

Dina_Leana asks: What is the purpose of this?

Emma: Dina, your question was very vague. I’m sure you actually meant, “what is the purpose of this website?” or “what is the point of even discussing sprinklers?”, but I think I’ll take it to mean, “what is the purpose of a sprinkler?”. So, to answer your question, sprinklers have many purposes (much like silly string).
1. Sprinklers evenly distribute water to foliage such as grass, shrubbery, and flowers.
2. Sprinklers also provide entertainment for children in the summer. Until, of course, your pervert neighbours start creeping on you.
3. Sprinklers spawned a “hip” and “happening” dance craze in the late seventies. Not surprisingly, it was called “the sprinkler”. Amazing and unexpected, I know.
4. Sprinklers can also be used to prevent your crabby neighbour’s cat from killing the baby birds that live above your deck. Just one quick blast will pretty much deter the cat forever. They learn quickly.

redwarrior asks: What happened to Dean? I intimidated him and he punked out.

Britt: What an INTRIGUING thought, redwarrior. You are, however, MISTAKEN. Dean is out of town because my OLDER sister said that he wasn’t HOT. Well, that’s what she said. I think he’s actually helping his mom buy CHEAP fertilizer, but, let’s be honest, that’s BORING.

Alright, I think it’s time to call it a week, before redwarrior gets too ANGRY at my LITTLE sister.

Got anymore grammar tips you’d like to share? E-mail us at deanandemmapluscrew@gmail.com. Next week’s topic is beanie babies.

Silly String

Well, last week’s discussion on nose whistles was a raging success. Lolita_belle wrote in and asked us why we bothered posting the insults that had been e-mailed to us. Well, we posted them because we really didn’t get a huge response and that’s all we technically had to post. I suppose we could have faked some entries, but here at “Emma and Dean’s Guide to Life”, we like to keep things real. I’m not sure why. It would certainly be less painful to my ego if we made some things up. Ah well, Emma says I’m a weenie. Which is also a blow to my ego, so if I can take it in person, I guess I can handle it online. Great.

rpatz4life writes: I once used a whole can of silly string on my neighbour’s cat. It was blue by the time I had finished with it. But my neighbour is a little unhinged so she sued my mom for sexual harassment.

Dean: uh…

dean_is_a_hottie asks: Why does silly string even exist? What do you use it for? Besides torturing people, I mean.

Emma: First of all, I’d like to address your username. You’ve never seen Dean. To you, he’s just a wise internet being. But I have seen him in real life. I see him all the time, in fact. Trust me, you’re wrong. And now on to more important things ie. silly string. There are many practical uses for silly string.
1. Silly string can be used to ward off intruders in the event of a burglary. I’ve never actually tried this, but I’m sure a little silly string to the eye would certainly startle and disorient someone breaking into your house.
2. You can use silly string to decorate your house. A little silly string design on your walls would add a nice touch of colour and flair of fun to any room.
3. I’m sure if you let silly string harden, you could use it a substitute for wool in the event of a knitting emergency.
4. Silly string could plausibly be used to put out a fire (unless it’s made of a flammable substance, in which case, I formally apologize for this potentially life-threatening advice). Grease fire in your frying pan? No problem. Smother those flames with some brightly coloured silly string! Problem solved.
5. Coat your hands in silly string and use it a mitten replacement. This also applies to socks.

redwarrior writes: Dean’s still a dork. And silly string is LAME. Are you like twelve or something?

Dean: Or something. And I think you’re the lame one here. Do you seriously have nothing better to do with your time? Why not take up a hobby? Like knitting with slightly hardened silly string. According to Emma, that’s a practical usage for today’s fun topic (she’s totally wrong, by the way).

jennie_15 asks: What is wrong with redwarrior? Stop being such a mood killer, dude. Silly string is AWESOME!

Emma: I have no response to this comment. I would, however, like to comment on Dean’s comment. You could totally knit with silly string. He’s just hurt because I said he wasn’t a hottie (he’s not. I’m not wrong).

I feel like this discussion has slightly degraded, thanks to my colleague. And she’s wrong. On both accounts. Silly string could not be used for knitting and I am quite attractive.

More insults? E-mail them to us at deanandemmapluscrew@gmail.com. Next week’s topic is sprinklers.

Nose Whistles

I’m never letting Emma introduce the topic again. What is “boyness” anyway? Isn’t that what you want in a boy? For him to be like a boy? It’s all very ridiculous and I’m a little bitter, needless to say. Anyway, I guess I’ll move on instead of letting it fester inside me…on to nose whistles!

redwarrior writes: Nose whistles are only for old people.

Dean: Well, you may think so, friend, but lots of young people get nose whistles too. I, personally, have something of a paranoia about nose whistles.

LucyB asks: How can you get rid of a nose whistle?

Emma: There are four ways to get rid of a nose whistle.
1. Plug your nose for a couple of minutes and hope that you’ll either stick or unstick whatever is making the whistle noise.
2. Inhale really deeply. Try not to burst any blood vessels, though. Breathing, it’s a challenging thing.
3. Get one of those nose spray things and try to “clean out the works”, so to speak. I suppose Q-tips would also work, but I have this thing about Q-tips. Things that go in my ear should just not be used for other things. It’s a quirk.
4. If all else fails, breath through your mouth. However, don’t become a mouth breather. Mouth breathing is more annoying than nose whistles.

redwarrior writes: If you get nose whistles, then you’re a dweeb.

Dean: I’d have to disagree with that. If you get chronic nose whistles, you most likely have some sort of sinus problem.

caramel_monkey asks: What kind of topic is ‘nose whistles’? Your website sucks.

Emma: What kind of username is ‘caramel_monkey’? You’ve successfully combined two good things into one horrible entity. Caramel? Good. Monkeys? Cool. Caramel covered monkeys? Not so much. It would get all hairy and sticky and such. You suck.

redwarrior writes: Dean is a BIG DORKY DWEEB!

Dean: Epic fail on the alliteration front, man. You were close with “dorky dweeb”, but “big” killed it. You should’ve used a different adjective.

lil_princess asks: What’s a nose whistle?

Emma: A nose whistle is a whistle noise that comes from one’s nose, usually the elderly. In church. You know what I’m talking about. It’s really irritating and hard to get rid of. It does, however, possess a certain comedic value in the sense that the person with the nose whistle often doesn’t realize that they even have one. And then everybody else has a good laugh at their expense.

redwarrior writes: I will give Dean a permanent nose whistle. You better watch your back, punk.

Dean: Thanks for the warning, Clint, but if the worst you can do is a permanent nose whistle, I’m sure I’ll be fine. Not exactly top notch torture material, is it? You don’t hear of a lot of P.O.W. camps employing that certain tactic.

Got questions? Complaints? Insults? We’ll take it all! E-mail us at deanandemmapluscrew@gmail.com. Next week’s topic is silly string.

Harrison Ford

Alright, so I’m back from visiting my grandma in Listowel. By the way, don’t ever go there. Everyone’s a giant. So anyway, I read last week’s post and…well, I apologize for Dean and Johnnie’s incredible boyness. But this week’s topic should be great! Harrison Ford, baby!

Star_Wars_fan asks: What’s your favourite Harrison Ford movie?

Dean: Well, I feel like I should say Star Wars, but I honestly can’t decide. I really like a lot of them. Maybe the third Indiana Jones movie, Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade. You can’t go wrong with a Harrison Ford and Sean Connery team up.

Jamie_G_14 writes: Did you know that the hairy guy from that horse movie and that major trilogy was in Witness?

Emma: Yes, I do. For those of you who don’t, Jamie_G_14 is referring to Vigo Mortensen who plays Aragorn in the Lord of the Rings franchise and, incidentally, an Amish guy in the movie Witness. I can see where some of you would’ve gotten a little lost, though, because there are a lot of hairy guys in Lord of the Rings.

Maggie_4_Life asks: What would Harrison Ford and Calista Flockheart’s celebrity couple name be?

Dean: That’s an easy one. Harrista. Maybe even Harrista Flord.

jacob_is_da_bomb writes: HARRISON FORD RULEZ!!!!!!!!

Emma: Thanks for the input, jacob_is_da_bomb.

hannah_montanna_is_kool asks: How many kids does Harrison Ford have? Are any of them young or super hot?

Dean: Well, hannah (if I may call you that), Wikipedia tells me he has five. And I’m not sure I’m the best judge on whether or not any of his four sons are “hot”...I’m going to go with “probably”, though. It seems likely. Although, with the way he’s aged, I’m sure they’ll all end up with rather large noses.

devon4000 writes: Who do you think would win in a cage fight, Indiana Jones or The Rock?

Emma: Good Lord, do you even need to ask that question? You know what, I’m not even going to answer. How else will you learn?

And let’s leave it at that. Ask us questions! E-mail us at deanandemmapluscrew@gmail.com. Next week’s topic is nose whistles.

Hair Extensions

What’s on our minds today? Hair extensions. Why? God only knows. Also, Emma is away visiting her grandma (Hi, Mabel!), so I, Dean, decided to fly solo. This was, of course, last week before she told me that the topic was going to be hair extensions. Thus, I have invited my long-time friend, Johnnie Gale to help me. Does he know more about hair extensions? Probably not. Should be interesting.

Mrs.Bieber writes: I’m thinking of getting hair extensions because my hair doesn’t grow very quickly and I want long hair NOW. My hair is pretty short, though, so how long do you think I should get them?

Dean: Hmm…well, I’d say not very long because you don’t want a mullet. I may not know much about hair, but I do know that sort hair on top plus long hair underneath equals mullet. And times that by pi and you get ugly. It’s simple math, really.

lily_rocks asks: How do you know if extensions are good quality?

Johnnie: Umm…I’m going to say that, if they cost a lot, then they’re probably better than the plastic kind you can get at the dollar store. But then again, what the heck do I know? Good scotch is also expensive and it tastes like wood varnish.

crazy_cherrie asks: Will my flat iron melt my hair extensions? Like, doesn’t that happen sometimes?

Dean: I can’t say that I’ve ever heard of that happening. Of course, I also can’t say that I’m a hundred per cent sure of what a “flat iron” is…

Jay9 writes: I got hair extensions last week and when I washed them for the first time, my shampoo died that blue. What do you think I should do?

Johnnie: I would suggest buying better shampoo.

jennie_10_34 asks: Can you die your hair extensions? I want to die my hair, but I have extensions in and they’re blonde. Can I die them too?

Dean: Apparently you can, or at least Jay9 did with their shampoo.

ilikeponies asks: What kind of extensions are the best kind to buy?

Johnnie: Okay, you know what? I have no idea. I know nothing about extensions. My hair is like an inch long, if that. Dean, if you ever ask me to help you with this again, make the topic something I can actually handle.

Okay…I think that’s enough of that. Join us next week for a riveting discussion on Harrison Ford.

Got questions? E-mail us at deanandemmapluscrew@gmail.com.

Zombies

So, today’s topic is zombies. How fitting and practical, because the zombie apocalypse is coming. That is why I, Dean Marshal, have packed a crow bar into my first aid pack. I suggest you all do the same. So, without further ado…

Battlestar_439 asks: If zombies are undead, can you actually kill them? Haven’t they already died?

Dean: That’s a good question, Battlestar_439. And I suppose you can’t technically kill something that’s actually previously died, but I’m sure that if you knock its head clean off its shoulders you’ll certainly slow it down.

ethompson asks: How do people become zombies?

Emma: There are three ways to come back from the dead.
1. A zombie virus, which is spread through bodily fluids, infects the world. This is probably how the world will be infested with flesh eating monsters.
2. Some sort of magician, occult worker, or your superstitious aunt that no one invites to family get-togethers anymore raises people from the dead with a Ouija board. Sometimes it doesn’t work properly and the person you’re trying to resurrect starts thirsting for human blood. Then it’s time to give up the board.
3. If watching hours of James Bond movies has taught me anything, it’s that having a Chinese woman cook you duck is another way to come back from the dead (You Only Live Twice. Check it out).

surfer_dude_3000 asks: What if like your mom gets turned into a zombie and she tries to kill you? Are you supposed to like kill her or something?

Dean: When the zombie apocalypse hits, you have to stop thinking of your loved ones as, well, loved ones. You think your great aunt Ruth smelled like fermenting cabbage while she was still alive? Just wait until she’s undead. The fact of the matter is that zombies only want one thing and that is to eat your brain. I don’t care if it’s your mom and she spent twenty-seven hours in labour with you. Now she’s a zombie and now she’s trying to eat you. So take that meat tenderizer and hit her over the head with it!

fluffykittensrule asks: Can animals get turned into zombies?

Emma: I certainly hope not for your sake as you seem like something of an animal lover. And if animals can become zombies, I don’t want to be near the zoo when the apocalypse hits earth.

Chuck_Norris asks: Where’s the best place to be during the zombie apocalypse?

Dean: A great question, but first, let me say how honoured we are to have Chuck Norris take an interest in our website. But on to serious matters. In the event of a zombie apocalypse, closed spaces are never a good idea. Try to find a relatively large open space in which you know all the escape routes. And try to keep a weapon handy at all times, because, if the zombies sneak up on you, you don’t want to be unarmed. Also, Emma says “not near a zoo”.

Jonasfan_14 asks: If zombies attack the world, who would you save?

Emma: Well, I’m sure Dean would hope that I’d save him, because, let’s be honest, he runs like a girl. I’ll consider it. I’d for sure save James Franco, though, because, once the apocalypse has hit and we’re the only humans remaining, someone’s going to need to repopulate the earth. I am willing to take on that responsibility. What can I say? I’m selfless.


Got questions for us? E-mail us at deanandemmapluscrew@gmail.com. Next week’s topic is hair extensions.