Superheroes

Superheroes! That’s right, folks, it’s superhero day here at “Emma and Dean’s Guide to Life”. This is good news. You know what else is good news? Emma has gone on a family trip to the zoo with her parents and wee little Britt. Excellent. That means that someone new is here to fill her place. Don’t get too excited, it’s just my cousin Mike.

Suggested music: The Ultimate Showdown – Lemon Demon

Tiny_Tina writes: I don’t understand what Wonder Woman represents. She’s supposed to be this iconic American symbol of virtue and truth, with high values and a strong sense of womanhood. At the same time, she wears a skimpy little costume, has double D’s, and I’m pretty sure she has a thing with both Superman and Batman. I’m confused by what she’s supposed to be symbolizing. She seems like a huge contradiction.

Dean: Umm…yes. I think her creators were trying to make a superhero that was accessible to North American women with her strong values and feminist attitude. At the same time, I don’t think they wanted to alienate their male readers. Hence the double D’s.

dean_is_a_hottie asks: Who’s Dean’s favourite superhero?

Mike: First of all, Emma is right about Dean. He’s really not that attractive. Speaking as a part of the better looking side of the family, he could do with a little more muscle and a little less eyebrow. Now on to your question. I think Dean’s favourite superhero is likely Superman. Why? Not sure. Superman is kind of lame.

Nina_B writes: First of all, where on the great good earth did you find a picture of those bikini jeans?? Am I just sheltered, naive, or normally dressed? Because I had never even heard of those things, let alone seen them. People wear that???

Secondly, on to superheros. I feel like superheros (and the comic books, graphic novels, and blockbuster movies devoted to them) have played a really big part in elevating what was formerly "nerdy" to "cool" and what was formerly "cool" to suuuuuper lame (ie guys with pink polos and the collars popped. You know what I mean). Anywhoot, this seems pretty super and powerful, no? So superheros ARE REAL!

Dean: Alright, this is a long one. So I saw the bikini jeans in a magazine once. Not surprisingly, they were listed under the category of “super ugly jeans”. If you want to see something truly horrifying, check out the “Backtacular”. And I feel like you are not sheltered nor naïve, but fortunate that you do not know that kind of horror. Well, now you do. Sorry. And apparently people in Japan and Brazil wear those, but I don’t think that’s actually true. I mean really, who would wear those? I certainly wouldn’t.

Onto the next part of your e-mail. I do know what you mean! I hate those guys and their popped collars. They all have Ed Hardy trucker hats too. What’s up with that? Seriously, they all look like John Gosselin. And I agree. Superheroes are quite super and powerful. How astute of you.

super_cute_girl asks: DC or Marvel?

Mike: Ooh…tough question. Okay, while Marvel has probably made more money in the box office in recent years, what with all three Spider-Man movies, the new Iron Man series and all its spin-offs, and X-Men, DC still has Batman. And who doesn’t love Batman? However, I just listed quite a few superheroes that are far cooler than most DC characters. Batman might be freaking awesome, but Superman can be kind of lame and who likes Aquaman? I mean, come on, what can he do out of the water? Not a heck of a lot.

Tony_Stark’s_illegitimate_love_child asks: What’s up with Nick Fury being a white dude and then Samuel L. Jackson?

Dean: What’s up with Katie Holmes being replaced by Maggie Gyllenhaal?

catwoman324 writes: DC is totally better! What are you talking about, man? Besides, Marvel has plenty of lame superheroes. What about The Fantastic Four? What was up with Jessica Alba in those movies? Also, what about Captain America? He’s not very cool.

Mike: I feel like catwoman324 is actually a guy…and Captain America is a national icon. I mean, not for me, because I’m Canadian, but Americans feel very strongly about him. Okay, American nerds feel very strongly about him. And what is with Jessica Alba in any movie? Who saw “Honey”? If you answered “I did” to that last question, I genuinely feel for you. There’s a painful two hours of my life I’ll never get back.


He’s right. “Honey” is a terrible movie. Some people should just never be blonde. Jessica Alba is one of those people. Rosie O’Donnell is another, not that she is blonde. She just shouldn’t be.

Repulsed by the thought of Rosie O’Donnell as a blonde? Share your imaginative pain with us! E-mail us at deanandemmapluscrew@gmail.com. The next topic is Beyoncé.

Muskrats

The topic right now is muskrats. Why? Ask Emma. Seriously. Write in and ask her. I would really enjoy that because it would be a lot of fun for me to hear what she has to say in response. So please, ask.

Suggested music: The Lion Sleeps Tonight – The Nylons

Mr.Chewy asks: How long are a muskrat’s whiskers?

Dean: I cannot tell a lie, Mr. Chewy, I have no idea how long a muskrat’s whiskers are. Long enough. That’s my answer.

dean_is_a_hottie asks: Why is the topic about muskrats?

Emma: First of all, don’t be such a brownnose. I’m telling you, he’s really not that good-looking. You are sorely mistaken. And to answer your question, it’s because muskrats are excellent. Who doesn’t like muskrats? Honestly.

Nina_B asks: Are muskrats musky? Is that where they got the word “musk” from? And if you called a muskrat musky, would it be offended?

Dean: I’m not sure what muskrats smell like and I don’t know if that’s where they got the word. However, I definitely think a muskrat would be offended if you called it musky, even if that’s what it really smelled like. After all, wouldn’t you be offended?

Blue_belle asks: Are muskrats those little weasely animals that live in the forest?

Emma: No, those are weasels.

cruella_devil asks: Can you make fur coats out of muskrat skins?

Dean: First of all, your name in addition to this question frightens me. Secondly, I don’t see why you’d want to make a coat out of muskrats. I mean, I’m sure it’s possible. You could probably make a fur coat out of hamsters though too.

Blue_belle asks: Okay, if muskrats aren’t those little weasely things, then are they the animals that some really freaky people keep as pets and walk them around on leashes like they’re cats?

Emma: No, those are ferrets. And who walks their cat around on a leash?

Dianna42 asks: Can you keep a muskrat as a pet? Because my older brother has like a collection of weird pets. He has a snake, a couple of hairless moles, and a baby alligator.

Dean: I think you could keep a muskrat as a pet. I’d be a little afraid that the alligator would eat it, though. On the other hand, I guess if it doesn’t eat the hairless moles, maybe it wouldn’t eat the muskrat. Although, hairless animals are kind of creepy looking, so maybe the moles are just unappealing to the alligator. And now I have completely lost sight of what the original question was…I think I answered it.

Blue_belle writes: There’s a lady on my street that walks her cat. It’s really small and has big ears and huge eyes. Like the cat that’s always on those Taco Bell commercials.

Emma: That’s not a cat. That’s a Chihuahua. And Chihuahuas are dogs.

And on that note…

Got ridiculous questions about Mexican dogs? E-mail us at deanandemmapluscrew@gmail.com. The next topic is going to be superheroes.