Peanuts

Alright, ladies and gentlemen, ready to talk about peanuts? Are you pumped? Psyched? Excited? Full of intrigue? Well don’t be, it’s just a nut.

Suggested music: Pork and Beans – Weezer

johnny_gale writes: Hmm…what do I have to say about peanuts? Nothing. So I will comment on something Dean said last time. He said, and I quote, “I think we all knew they were a type of fish, Johnny” while we were talking about koi. But before then, he said, and I quote again, “But seriously, what is a koi?”. So which is it, Dean?

Dean: You have too much time on your hands. And anyway, after I asked what a koi was, I said, and I quote, “A type of fish or some sort of amphibian, obviously, but what do they look like?”. So obviously I really did know what a koi was.

mini_mimi writes: I’m allergic to peanuts. I’m also allergic to all tree nuts, shellfish, red food dye, strawberries, goat milk, and penicillin. Oh, and pollen. Sometimes grass.

Emma: I don’t think you were meant to live.

johnny_gale writes: No, I don’t think you did know what a koi was. You said that it might be some sort of fish or an amphibian. So really, you didn’t know.

Dean: You do of course realize that we could just have this conversation in real life and not subject our poor readers to this crap. Also, why do you even care about this?

Dan400 asks: Why are more people allergic to peanuts than walnuts?

Emma: Well, Nina, because the universe is cruel. It’s ironic that people can’t eat peanut butter, but are at perfect liberty to eat walnut butter whenever they want. Most people don’t want to, though, because walnuts are bitter and gross and they don’t get any better in butter form.

Nina_B asks: But why are people more allergic to peanuts than they are to walnuts?

Dean: That is a very good question. I suggest you Google it, because I have no idea and would just make things up. Kind of like Emma just did.

Nelly_bo_belly asks: Are peanuts classified as a seed? Or are they like a fruit?

Emma: They’re classified as nuts. Honestly, it’s right in the name…

johnny_gale writes: I am not done with this conversation, sir. I care about your outrageous lies because you made me look bad. I demand a full, formal apology.

Dean: No.

Tad_is_cool asks: Crunchy peanut butter or smooth?

Emma: Obviously smooth. Why do they even make crunchy peanut butter? Just eat peanuts.

Bootylicious writes: I knew a girl once who thought that they stopped putting the peanut on the top of the peanut butter jar because of peanut allergies.

Dean: Well, that is really stupid. Why would she think that? Also, Emma says she hoped you smacked her after that. I do not condone violence, but if I did, this would be the time to.

kitty_kat asks: Can dogs be allergic to peanuts? Because we give my dog peanut butter all the time. That’s how we get him to eat his pills.

Emma: A dog, really? You seem more like a cat person. And I’m sure animals can be allergic to peanut butter. I once had a dog that was allergic to grass. She led a pretty sad existence.

Got ridiculously long, rambling stories about your pet’s allergies? E-mail us at deanandemmapluscrew@gmail.com. We’re going to be talking about Heidi Montag next time.