Cats

Today we’re talking about cats. Dean hates cats. A lot. So he refused to partake in this one. Seriously. He really, really hates them. It has something to do with a horrible experience he had with his grandma’s eight cats when he was a child. To be fair, she’s a really mean old lady and her cats are not much nicer. So there you go. Anyway, here to help me is my friend Lucy. She’s real special.

Suggested music: What’s New Pussy Cat – Tom Jones

Kitty_kat writes: I LOVE cats!!! They’re so cute and cuddly and soft and furry!! I have two, but I really want another one. My mom won’t let me get one, though. She says that they’re horrible creatures. She’s totally WRONG! Cats are amazing!!!!

Emma: I am inclined to agree with your mother. Although, I did have one cat when I was four that was pretty cool. His name was Daredevil Boots. He actually used to hurl himself from the back of the couch and do flips in the air. Looking back on it, though, I’m not entirely certain he meant to do those flips. I think he just had an inner ear problem that threw his balance off because, more often than not, he would end up landing on his head.

Cats_suck asks: What’s up with those weird people that have like cat lawn ornaments?

Lucy: I once had a neighbour that had cat wind chimes. They were super creepy, because they had cats on them, and really annoying, because they were wind chimes. Hear that, folks? Don’t buy wind chimes. Don’t do it.

Marsha_mallow writes: I really like cats. I have a cat. Her name is Dame Fluffy Whiskerkins-Bottom.

Emma: Good Lord, is that your real name? Also, is that your cat’s real name? Because both are incredibly cruel.

Ella_Luvs_Kittens asks: What’s your favourite kind of cat?

Lucy: Tigers. Of the Siberian variety.

Nina_B writes: If I had a cat, I’d name her Susan. I’m not sure what I would name it if it was a boy. I’m leaning towards Bill.

Emma: If I had a cat, I’d name it Melvin. And if it was a girl, I’d still name it Melvin. I’d consider Melvina, though.

johnny_gale asks: Lucy, do we have biology homework?

Lucy: That has absolutely nothing to do with cats. And yes.

Gnarly_Joe asks: How can you tell if someone’s a crazy cat lady? I think my mom may becoming one.

Emma: There are three simple ways to tell if someone’s a crazy cat lady:
1. Are they a lady? If not, they could likely be a crazy cat man.

2. Are they crazy? If they’re not crazy, then they could still be obsessed with cats, which, frankly, isn’t much better.

3. Do they own a lot of cats and/or cat paraphernalia? If they don’t, then they’re probably just plain crazy.

johnny_gale writes: I know it has nothing to do with cats, but this was just a convenient way for me to ask if we had biology homework. And you told me we did, so clearly it was effective.

Lucy: True. However, in the spirit of catliness, I would like to pose a question to all of our lovely readers. If you happen to own a pet, why do people automatically buy you gifts related to said pet? Say you bought a greyhound. Why do people then feel the need to buy you greyhound calendars, greyhound coffee mugs, and greyhound post-it notes? I mean, I don’t even drink coffee!

I told you she was special.

Got questions that don’t pertain to your twelfth grade biology class? E-mail us at deanandemmapluscrew@gmail.com. The next topic is Lady Gaga.