Leotards

Last week, mariah_lovely wrote in and gave us a great idea. So, from now on, we will be posting suggested music to listen to while reading the discussion. Good call. Also, today, I will be teaming up with my next-door neighbour of fourteen years. She’s a ballerina, so I figured she would know a fair bit more about leotards than I do. Emma keeps telling me I’m a weenie, but I think I better do this, lest we recreate another incident like the “hair extensions” post. Also, she always calls me a weenie, so what else is new?

Suggested music: Single Ladies - Beyoncé

dean_is_a_hottie asks: What’s the difference between a leotard and a unitard?

Dean: I have no idea. Fiona?

Fiona: Leotards are just like bodysuits, but unitards are kind of a whole body dealio. They go from wrists to ankles, usually. Nothing special, really. My dad combines all of them into one word and makes a kind of “bodytard” hybrid.

kool_cat asks: Who even came up with the leotard? And why? It seems pointless.

Emma: I actually know the answer to this question because I did a French project on this guy once. Don’t ask, my French teacher’s a sadist. Jules Léotard invented the leotard, hence its name. He developed the leotard because he was an acrobat and they wear spandex-esque clothing. He also invented the trapeze, so I guess we have him to thank for this super fit, acrobatic type people you see at the circus. You know, when you’re not being horrified by the clowns.

Pretty_Princess writes: They sell bodysuits at American Apparel. Like people actually wear those.

Dean: Well, I suppose it’s not a totally useless product to sell. I mean, dancers and gymnasts probably own a lot of bodysuits.

Fiona: No, she’s right. Who buys a bodysuit that they’re not going to use for some sort of physical activity? Plus, a lot of them are made of mesh and/or lace. And don’t have full bums. Why is that necessary?

hottie_with_a_body asks: Can I date Emma? Or is she with Dean? He seems lame. She could do better. I’m better.

Emma: Flattering. And good Lord. No, I am not dating Dean. And yes, he’s a little lame, but I probably won’t ever date you either. I know, it’ll hard to get over me, but I’m sure you’ll manage.

dean_is_a_hottie writes: While we’re on the topic, can I date Dean? And he is not lame. He’s super cool. And cute.

Dean: I’m blushing.

Fiona: He’s not lying. He really is.

redwarrior writes: You are SO LAME. Why do you still have this stupid website?

Emma: Oh God, how’d you get back in here? Dean! We need to screen better! Crap has slipped through the cracks again. Also, he’s reverted to using caps lock again.

lil_dilemma writes: I’m thinking of buying a leotard to wear under skirts. Should I get the solid black one or the leopard print one with a scoop back?

Dean: Uh…

Fiona: I strongly suggest that you buy neither. Plus, they probably don’t have full bums. Are you prepared for that?

cutie_pie asks: Could you use a leotard as a swimsuit?

Emma: Yes, but you could also wrap yourself in cellophane and call that a swimsuit, so I think it’s a moot point.

Emma has now stopped making sense, so I’m going to stop it here. A big thanks to my friend Fiona!

Questions? E-mail us at deanandemmapluscrew@gmail.com. The next topic is ponchos.

Vampires

This week’s discussion is on vampires. I really have nothing funny or interesting to tell you besides that. I suppose I could’ve let Emma do the introduction this week, but I really just didn’t want to. Oh well, too late now.

rpatz4life asks: Do you think Eclipse is going to be better than New Moon? I think that nothing can beat the original Twilight, though.

Dean: How did this already become a discussion about Twilight? You say the word “vampire” nowadays and people have the impression that it’s interchangeable with “Twilight” or anything Twilight-related. Let’s talk about Dracula instead. Lord, I would settle for Van Helsing.

mcr_fan writes: I was in Chapters the other day and 90% of the books they have display for the “teen fiction” section are about vampires. What’s up with that?

Emma: I blame Robert Pattinson. Make him four shades paler than he actually is (which is hard to do because he’s British), give him an American accent, and put creepy light brown contacts in his eyes and tween girls everywhere swoon in their seats. Throw in some incredibly sappy lines about “perfect” love and their moms swoon too.

true_blood asks: Can you actually kill a vampire with a steak to the heart?

Dean: I’m sure that if you fed a vampire an excessive amount of red meat, over time, they would develop some sort of heart failure and eventually die. They’d also never get iron anemia. However, drive a stake through their heart and they’ll keel over in no time.

vampire_slayer asks: Does garlic actually keep vampires away? How does that even work?

Emma: Yes, it actually works. Have you ever seen a vampire in Italy? That’s why. And I have no idea why it works. Who do you think I am? Bill Nye the science guy?

jilly_bean writes: That girl who played Buffy the Vampire Slayer was a really bad actress. Melissa Joan Heart or whatever.

Dean: No, Melissa Joan Heart was Sabrina the Teenage Witch. It’s a similar genre of television show, I know, but Sabrina is much more upbeat than Buffy was. More of a comedy, if you will. And yes, she wasn’t a very good actress, was she? But that’s to be expected I think. It was a science-fiction teen drama about killing vampires. In the nineties. Not a promising combination.

Edward_Cullen_is_awesome asks: Is no one going to address how hot Robert Pattinson is? He is so good-looking!

Emma: Meh. He’s alright. He’s really only “so good-looking” from certain angles. If you catch him full on, he’s not so good-looking. You know who is really good-looking? James Franco.

Jacobblack4eva writes: TEAM JACOB!!!!!

Dean: Seriously? More Twilight? I just want to live my life with a little less Taylor Lautner? Is that such a bad thing?

Got questions that pertain to Twilight? E-mail us at deanandemmapluscrew@gmail.com. next week’s topic is leotards.

Beanie Babies

I regret leaving. I think Britt may have seriously offended some of our readers. And I was actually buying cheap fertilizer with my mom. She can’t lift her arms above her head (it’s a real health problem), so lifting bags of fertilizer was a bit of a problem for her. You know how it is. Or you likely don’t, because your mothers can probably lift their arms above their heads. But I digress, on to beanie babies!

redwarrior asks: Seriously, where do you losers come up with these topics? Do you actually think people care about this crap?

Dean: I swear, as soon as we get at least one more person writing in each week, we’re going to stop posting your e-mails. Why are you so mean? Nice to see you’ve laid off on all the capitalization, though. One step at a time.

fluffykittenluv asks: What was your favourite beanie baby?

Emma: I used to have a duck beanie baby. It was one of the medium sized ones that cost a ridiculous amount of money for a bag of beans shaped as an animal. But then some kid my mom was babysitting sucked on one of its wings. I didn’t really like it so much after that.

penny_is_2_kool writes: I was at the mall the other day and one of the store had beanie babies for sale. Those things are only like $7.95 now. They used to be so expensive in the nineties.

Dean: They used to have those special edition ones that were even more expensive than the regular ones. I think they tried to tell us that they would be super exclusive collector’s items later in life. I think they might have been wrong.

redwarrior writes: I’m not going to stop writing to you until this website has been deleted.

Emma: I’m shaking in my booties.

hollyB asks: Does anybody remember when they came out with those beanie kid things? And then they had those beanie boppers or whatever.

Dean: Yup, I remember those. They were all sexually and racially ambiguous. And they all had weird names. Please, folks, don’t ever name your child “Shamrock” or “Calypso”. They will either be beaten up in the playground or become exotic dancers later in life. Probably both. Let’s be honest.

redwarrior writes: Why don’t you make your topics interesting? Talk about things that ACTUALLY MATTER.

Emma: Why don’t you dunk your head in a vat of electric eels? Go harass someone who cares.

rock_my_socks asks: What’s a beanie baby?

Dean: You’re kidding right? You were clearly born after the nineties. Anyway, a beanie baby is essentially a stuffed animal with beans in its bum. They were all the rage in the nineties and early two thousands. I cannot believe you actually just asked that question. I can’t believe I just explained to someone what a beanie baby was. What did you think it was? A baby that was literally just beans?

stacey’s_mom writes: Beanie babies are soooo cute! I love them! I have a collection in my bedroom.

I’m not even going to let Emma respond to that one. Nothing good could possibly come of it.

Questions? Please help us get rid of redwarrior. E-mail us at deanandemmapluscrew@gmail.com. Next week’s topic is vampires.

Sprinklers

Alright, today’s topic is sprinklers. But let’s address more serious matters. Two weeks ago, Dean said he would never let me introduce the topic again. To quote him directly, he said “I’m never letting Emma introduce the topic again”. Well, here I am, introducing the topic. Who wins? I win. Oh, and Dean is out of town today (probably moping about being called unattractive), so my little sister Britt is filling in for him. Not Brittany, Britt. She’s very particular.

Greenjohn asks: What do you think about water bans in the summer? There is a gross over-usage of water for residential areas, especially considering the majority of the world’s population can’t get enough to meet their basic needs.

Emma: Whoa, whoa, whoa…what kind of website do you think this is? Go write to Greenpeace or PETA or whoever deals with this kind of issue.

dances_with_wolves writes: I used to run through sprinklers with my older siblings in our backyard when I was younger. Did anybody else do that?

Britt: Yeah, we totally used to do that, until our pervy neighbour began spying on us through the hedges and our mom made us come inside. We never ran through a sprinkler again. Some people ruin everything.

lil_lady asks: Do people even use sprinklers anymore? Aren’t they like built into the ground?

Emma: Umm…no, not all are built into the ground. And yes, people still use them. How else could we over-use water in residential areas? Common garden hoses? No way.

pinkybean writes: Remember that old dance move from the seventies that was called “the sprinkler”? It always gave me whiplash.

Britt: No, I do not remember that. I’m thirteen. I was born in 1997, which was way after the seventies. Good for you for living this long, though. And about the whole whiplash thing…well, maybe there’s something wrong with your neck.

J_LEE asks: Didn’t they have special attachments for sprinklers that were made specifically for kids? I seem to recall having a couple of those in the early nineties.

Emma: Wow, there is a lot of reminiscing in this week’s post. And yes, I believe they did have those. As my sister already mentioned, we used to have a lot of fun with those until our pervert neighbour turned all creepy and ruined the fun.

redwarrior writes: This is a STUPID topic. You are so LAME.

Britt: I think we could all learn a thing or two from redwarrior. From now on, I’m going to capitalize all of my adjectives, just to make an emphasized grammar point. Dude, why are you so TOUCHY? Maybe you should do something BETTER with your time? Have you always been this ANNOYING? Get a life, maybe even an INTERESTING one.

Dina_Leana asks: What is the purpose of this?

Emma: Dina, your question was very vague. I’m sure you actually meant, “what is the purpose of this website?” or “what is the point of even discussing sprinklers?”, but I think I’ll take it to mean, “what is the purpose of a sprinkler?”. So, to answer your question, sprinklers have many purposes (much like silly string).
1. Sprinklers evenly distribute water to foliage such as grass, shrubbery, and flowers.
2. Sprinklers also provide entertainment for children in the summer. Until, of course, your pervert neighbours start creeping on you.
3. Sprinklers spawned a “hip” and “happening” dance craze in the late seventies. Not surprisingly, it was called “the sprinkler”. Amazing and unexpected, I know.
4. Sprinklers can also be used to prevent your crabby neighbour’s cat from killing the baby birds that live above your deck. Just one quick blast will pretty much deter the cat forever. They learn quickly.

redwarrior asks: What happened to Dean? I intimidated him and he punked out.

Britt: What an INTRIGUING thought, redwarrior. You are, however, MISTAKEN. Dean is out of town because my OLDER sister said that he wasn’t HOT. Well, that’s what she said. I think he’s actually helping his mom buy CHEAP fertilizer, but, let’s be honest, that’s BORING.

Alright, I think it’s time to call it a week, before redwarrior gets too ANGRY at my LITTLE sister.

Got anymore grammar tips you’d like to share? E-mail us at deanandemmapluscrew@gmail.com. Next week’s topic is beanie babies.

Silly String

Well, last week’s discussion on nose whistles was a raging success. Lolita_belle wrote in and asked us why we bothered posting the insults that had been e-mailed to us. Well, we posted them because we really didn’t get a huge response and that’s all we technically had to post. I suppose we could have faked some entries, but here at “Emma and Dean’s Guide to Life”, we like to keep things real. I’m not sure why. It would certainly be less painful to my ego if we made some things up. Ah well, Emma says I’m a weenie. Which is also a blow to my ego, so if I can take it in person, I guess I can handle it online. Great.

rpatz4life writes: I once used a whole can of silly string on my neighbour’s cat. It was blue by the time I had finished with it. But my neighbour is a little unhinged so she sued my mom for sexual harassment.

Dean: uh…

dean_is_a_hottie asks: Why does silly string even exist? What do you use it for? Besides torturing people, I mean.

Emma: First of all, I’d like to address your username. You’ve never seen Dean. To you, he’s just a wise internet being. But I have seen him in real life. I see him all the time, in fact. Trust me, you’re wrong. And now on to more important things ie. silly string. There are many practical uses for silly string.
1. Silly string can be used to ward off intruders in the event of a burglary. I’ve never actually tried this, but I’m sure a little silly string to the eye would certainly startle and disorient someone breaking into your house.
2. You can use silly string to decorate your house. A little silly string design on your walls would add a nice touch of colour and flair of fun to any room.
3. I’m sure if you let silly string harden, you could use it a substitute for wool in the event of a knitting emergency.
4. Silly string could plausibly be used to put out a fire (unless it’s made of a flammable substance, in which case, I formally apologize for this potentially life-threatening advice). Grease fire in your frying pan? No problem. Smother those flames with some brightly coloured silly string! Problem solved.
5. Coat your hands in silly string and use it a mitten replacement. This also applies to socks.

redwarrior writes: Dean’s still a dork. And silly string is LAME. Are you like twelve or something?

Dean: Or something. And I think you’re the lame one here. Do you seriously have nothing better to do with your time? Why not take up a hobby? Like knitting with slightly hardened silly string. According to Emma, that’s a practical usage for today’s fun topic (she’s totally wrong, by the way).

jennie_15 asks: What is wrong with redwarrior? Stop being such a mood killer, dude. Silly string is AWESOME!

Emma: I have no response to this comment. I would, however, like to comment on Dean’s comment. You could totally knit with silly string. He’s just hurt because I said he wasn’t a hottie (he’s not. I’m not wrong).

I feel like this discussion has slightly degraded, thanks to my colleague. And she’s wrong. On both accounts. Silly string could not be used for knitting and I am quite attractive.

More insults? E-mail them to us at deanandemmapluscrew@gmail.com. Next week’s topic is sprinklers.