Cats

Today we’re talking about cats. Dean hates cats. A lot. So he refused to partake in this one. Seriously. He really, really hates them. It has something to do with a horrible experience he had with his grandma’s eight cats when he was a child. To be fair, she’s a really mean old lady and her cats are not much nicer. So there you go. Anyway, here to help me is my friend Lucy. She’s real special.

Suggested music: What’s New Pussy Cat – Tom Jones

Kitty_kat writes: I LOVE cats!!! They’re so cute and cuddly and soft and furry!! I have two, but I really want another one. My mom won’t let me get one, though. She says that they’re horrible creatures. She’s totally WRONG! Cats are amazing!!!!

Emma: I am inclined to agree with your mother. Although, I did have one cat when I was four that was pretty cool. His name was Daredevil Boots. He actually used to hurl himself from the back of the couch and do flips in the air. Looking back on it, though, I’m not entirely certain he meant to do those flips. I think he just had an inner ear problem that threw his balance off because, more often than not, he would end up landing on his head.

Cats_suck asks: What’s up with those weird people that have like cat lawn ornaments?

Lucy: I once had a neighbour that had cat wind chimes. They were super creepy, because they had cats on them, and really annoying, because they were wind chimes. Hear that, folks? Don’t buy wind chimes. Don’t do it.

Marsha_mallow writes: I really like cats. I have a cat. Her name is Dame Fluffy Whiskerkins-Bottom.

Emma: Good Lord, is that your real name? Also, is that your cat’s real name? Because both are incredibly cruel.

Ella_Luvs_Kittens asks: What’s your favourite kind of cat?

Lucy: Tigers. Of the Siberian variety.

Nina_B writes: If I had a cat, I’d name her Susan. I’m not sure what I would name it if it was a boy. I’m leaning towards Bill.

Emma: If I had a cat, I’d name it Melvin. And if it was a girl, I’d still name it Melvin. I’d consider Melvina, though.

johnny_gale asks: Lucy, do we have biology homework?

Lucy: That has absolutely nothing to do with cats. And yes.

Gnarly_Joe asks: How can you tell if someone’s a crazy cat lady? I think my mom may becoming one.

Emma: There are three simple ways to tell if someone’s a crazy cat lady:
1. Are they a lady? If not, they could likely be a crazy cat man.

2. Are they crazy? If they’re not crazy, then they could still be obsessed with cats, which, frankly, isn’t much better.

3. Do they own a lot of cats and/or cat paraphernalia? If they don’t, then they’re probably just plain crazy.

johnny_gale writes: I know it has nothing to do with cats, but this was just a convenient way for me to ask if we had biology homework. And you told me we did, so clearly it was effective.

Lucy: True. However, in the spirit of catliness, I would like to pose a question to all of our lovely readers. If you happen to own a pet, why do people automatically buy you gifts related to said pet? Say you bought a greyhound. Why do people then feel the need to buy you greyhound calendars, greyhound coffee mugs, and greyhound post-it notes? I mean, I don’t even drink coffee!

I told you she was special.

Got questions that don’t pertain to your twelfth grade biology class? E-mail us at deanandemmapluscrew@gmail.com. The next topic is Lady Gaga.

The A-Team

Emma is back and with a vengeance. She, as predicted, did not have a good time with her aunt Sylvia and her bristly mustache. But that was to be expected. In any case, she is very excited about this topic and even picked the song for this discussion. It’s all very exciting. Let’s do this!

Suggested music: Shoot to Thrill – AC DC

Nina_B asks: Who was the new guy who plays AB in the new movie? And really, who was Mr.T? Was he anything other than AB?

Dean: Well, Nina, the actor was not actually an actor. He was, in fact, a UFC fighter. His name is Quinton Jackson, which, if I say so myself, is a pretty spectacular name. I think I will name my children that. I’ll have twin boys and name one Quinton and the other Jackson. But enough about me. Mr. T is also well-known for his role in the Rocky franchise (Rocky III, to be specific) as boxer Clubber Lang. I first read that as “Chubber Lang”, which seems rude somehow. Also, he does those World of Warcraft commercials for the nighthawk elf warrior mohawk things or whatever. I don’t really know and what’s more, I don’t really care. And finally, it’s B.A. Baracus. Not AB. Close, though. Good effort.

dean_is_a_hottie writes: I’ll have babies Quinton and Jackson with you, Dean!

Emma: I was so excited about doing this topic and you’ve completely ruined it for me. I wanted to answer questions about The A-Team and their amazing amazingness. And instead you give me this. Sigh…

Felicia_Watson asks: Have you seen the new movie? Would you recommend it to someone like me (someone being a person who wasn’t alive when the television show was on and not a teenage boy)?

Dean: I have seen it, actually. Opening night, in fact. I liked it, but then again, I am a teenage boy. Emma went with me and also liked it, but then again, she’s practically a teenage boy (bahaha). However, I wasn’t alive when the old show was on and still enjoyed it. I think you’d like it. Well, I mean, if you like pure action films. Plus, the actors did a good job. Who doesn’t like Liam Neeson? And Quinton Jackson did a surprisingly good job for not being a real actor by profession. He should look into enunciating more, though.

Franklin_M asks: What’s Mr. T’s real name?

Emma: Laurence. I kid you not.
johnny_gale writes: I also saw the movie, also with Dean and Emma. I liked it, but I am confused about Jessica Biel. She’s an alright actress and I have nothing against her, but how did she even get famous? Did it all start when she started dating Justin Timberlake?

Dean: No, no, no. Jessica Biel was sort of famous before then. She was on popular after school drama, 7th Heaven. And when I say popular, I mean a smattering of interested teen Christian followers.

Evan_Grossman asks: I just saw the new movie and I cannot for the life of me remember what Liam Neeson’s character’s name is? Also, was Liam Neeson in Batman Begins?

Emma: Okay, Liam Neeson’s character is Colonel Smith. And he was in Batman Begins. He plays classic villain Ra’s Al Gul. Maybe I spelled that wrong, but I mean really, who cares?

I certainly don’t. And let’s leave it at that.

Mildly interested in something? E-mail us at deanandemmapluscrew@gmail.com. The next topic is cats.

Heidi Montag

So now it’s time to discuss Heidi Montag. Emma is visiting her aunt Sylvia in Perry Sound. The woman has a mustache and glasses as thick as Coke bottles. So, good luck to Emma with all of that. Here to help me answer all of your really important questions on Heidi Montag, is my cousin Mike yet again. This should be good.

Suggested music: Barbie Girl – Aqua

Nina_B writes: With her name you'd think that she's a cute little German girl with lederhosen and a beer stein that holds a litre of Heineken... instead, doesn't she look like a stepford wife?? Anybody else?? I find her limited range of facial motion alarming.

Dean: You know, Nina, I have noticed that she has an alarming lack of facial movement. And wasn’t Nicole Kidman in The Stepford Wives? Because she also has very little facial movement.

Heidi_and_Spencer_4eva writes: I really like Heidi Montag. She only got plastic surgery because people like you do things like this.

Mike: You may have a point. But on the other hand, I really don’t care so I’m going to keep doing this anyway.

LC_beats_Kristen asks: What did Heidi even have done to her body? I mean, besides the gigantic boob job. That one’s pretty obvious.

Dean: Well, let’s see. The Internet is telling me she had ten procedures. They are as follows:
1. Breast augmentation
2. Botox
3. Mini brow lift
4. Nose job revision
5. Chin reduction
6. Liposuction on her waist and thighs
7. Fat injections in her cheeks and lips (that’s disgusting)
8. Ears pinned back (how is that necessary?)
9. Neck liposuction (no, I’m sorry, how is this necessary?)
10. Buttocks augmentation (that’s just funny)

Elli_jelly_belly asks: What is up with her husband? He’s crazy!

Mike: I think he might have anger management problems. On the other hand, she married him, so who is crazier? The crazy one or the crazy one that marries the crazy one? And yes, I just stole that line from Star Wars. Don’t judge me. It’s better than the crap we’re talking about right now.

So, what can we learn from this, folks? Heidi Montag has had surgeries done to her body that I didn’t even know existed? I mean, how do you even find out that you want to have neck liposuction?

Got questions? E-mail us at deanandemmapluscrew@gmail.com. The next topic is going to be the A-Team.

Peanuts

Alright, ladies and gentlemen, ready to talk about peanuts? Are you pumped? Psyched? Excited? Full of intrigue? Well don’t be, it’s just a nut.

Suggested music: Pork and Beans – Weezer

johnny_gale writes: Hmm…what do I have to say about peanuts? Nothing. So I will comment on something Dean said last time. He said, and I quote, “I think we all knew they were a type of fish, Johnny” while we were talking about koi. But before then, he said, and I quote again, “But seriously, what is a koi?”. So which is it, Dean?

Dean: You have too much time on your hands. And anyway, after I asked what a koi was, I said, and I quote, “A type of fish or some sort of amphibian, obviously, but what do they look like?”. So obviously I really did know what a koi was.

mini_mimi writes: I’m allergic to peanuts. I’m also allergic to all tree nuts, shellfish, red food dye, strawberries, goat milk, and penicillin. Oh, and pollen. Sometimes grass.

Emma: I don’t think you were meant to live.

johnny_gale writes: No, I don’t think you did know what a koi was. You said that it might be some sort of fish or an amphibian. So really, you didn’t know.

Dean: You do of course realize that we could just have this conversation in real life and not subject our poor readers to this crap. Also, why do you even care about this?

Dan400 asks: Why are more people allergic to peanuts than walnuts?

Emma: Well, Nina, because the universe is cruel. It’s ironic that people can’t eat peanut butter, but are at perfect liberty to eat walnut butter whenever they want. Most people don’t want to, though, because walnuts are bitter and gross and they don’t get any better in butter form.

Nina_B asks: But why are people more allergic to peanuts than they are to walnuts?

Dean: That is a very good question. I suggest you Google it, because I have no idea and would just make things up. Kind of like Emma just did.

Nelly_bo_belly asks: Are peanuts classified as a seed? Or are they like a fruit?

Emma: They’re classified as nuts. Honestly, it’s right in the name…

johnny_gale writes: I am not done with this conversation, sir. I care about your outrageous lies because you made me look bad. I demand a full, formal apology.

Dean: No.

Tad_is_cool asks: Crunchy peanut butter or smooth?

Emma: Obviously smooth. Why do they even make crunchy peanut butter? Just eat peanuts.

Bootylicious writes: I knew a girl once who thought that they stopped putting the peanut on the top of the peanut butter jar because of peanut allergies.

Dean: Well, that is really stupid. Why would she think that? Also, Emma says she hoped you smacked her after that. I do not condone violence, but if I did, this would be the time to.

kitty_kat asks: Can dogs be allergic to peanuts? Because we give my dog peanut butter all the time. That’s how we get him to eat his pills.

Emma: A dog, really? You seem more like a cat person. And I’m sure animals can be allergic to peanut butter. I once had a dog that was allergic to grass. She led a pretty sad existence.

Got ridiculously long, rambling stories about your pet’s allergies? E-mail us at deanandemmapluscrew@gmail.com. We’re going to be talking about Heidi Montag next time.

Metaphors

Metaphors…whoot…this is going to be terrible. Horrendous, even. So, without further delay, I give you my own personal hell.

Suggested music: Making Out – No Doubt (this one doesn’t really fit in with the topic, but honestly, what song reminds you of metaphors? I am personally never reminded of metaphors, so this was particularly challenging)

redwarrior: Really? This is the stupidest topic yet. You’re beyond lame now.

Dean: I agree, quite frankly. I mean, not about being lame, but this topic is going to be extra challenging. We’ll try to keep it interesting for you. Or, rather, I’ll just try to use a lot of different adjectives so that you can learn other words than just “lame”. Seriously, buy a thesaurus. You can get them at most bookstores.

Nina_B writes: Red Warrior is tube socks. Or toe socks. Whichever is least cool. See what I did there?

Emma: Very good metaphor. I see what you did there.

Nina_B asks: Also, I feel like this topic is the best topic ever. This topic is chocolate cake, Charles David boots, and Sauble Beach. I am so brilliant.

Dean: Ah, more adjectives. Brilliant. Paying attention, redwarrior?

geoffrey_chaucer's_lover writes: In my first year English class my prof kept going on and on about metaphysical conceit, and never even explained it. What's the difference between a metaphysical conceit and a metaphor?? I still don't know!

Emma: Good Lord. I have no idea what you’re talking about. To be perfectly honest with you, I don’t even understand half the words you used right then. Good luck with that.

redwarrior writes: I HATE you. You’re both IDIOTS.

Dean: Now I’m confused by your capitalization again. Are you emphasizing verbs or nouns? You used to capitalize adjectives. What madness is this?!

dean_is_a_hottie writes: I totally get metaphors. Like, for example, dean is a total hottie!

Emma: That is not a metaphor. It’s just dumb. Besides which, you are wrong. So, you fail on both accounts with this one. Better luck next time.

emma_rocks_my_argyle_socks writes: dean_is_a_hottie is like a goldfish. Maybe the one in the koi pond who gets eaten by a squirrel.

Dean: That’s not a metaphor, that’s a simile. And aren’t there koi in koi ponds? Wouldn’t that make more sense? But seriously, what is a koi? A type of fish or some sort of amphibian, obviously, but what do they look like? And do squirrels even eat them? Don’t squirrels just eat nuts or something? They don’t really seem like carnivores.

dean_is_a_hottie writes: Fine. I guess I’ll come up with a better metaphor. Dean is Brad Pitt!

Emma: No, he most certainly is not. Brad Pitt is Brad Pitt and I’m sure he would not appreciate Dean stealing his identity.

johnny_gale writes: I just looked up koi on Google. Apparently they are a fish. And lots of people get tattoos of them. Most of them are really ugly. Who gets a tattoo of a fish?

Dean: I think we all knew they were a type of fish, Johnny.

Share your feelings about koi fish tattoos with us at deanandemmapluscrew@gmail.com. Next we’ll be talking about peanuts.