Horrible Gifts

Alright, horrible gifts. You know the ones. Like when your great uncle buys you a can of haggis (they actually make that).

Suggested music: Misery – Maroon Five

dean_is_a_hottie asks: What’s the worst gift Dean has ever gotten?

Dean: Well, one time, my great uncle Howard bought me a can of haggis. I mean, technically it’s the thought that counts and he was senile, but still, what do I want with a can of haggis? It’s non-perishable, actually. I still have it. Anyone want it?

Emma_rocks_my_argyle_socks asks: What’s the worst present Emma has ever gotten?

Emma: Once, I got a cat sweater from my grandma. It had a tail. And it was pink with a frilly collar and sleeves. I burned it later. I’d feel bad if the sweater hadn’t been so incredibly ugly.

Nina_B writes: Let us never forget (or try really hard to?) my friend Stacey who got a vase from her boyfriend for Christmas. It looked like it had innocuously been placed on the set of Inglorious Basterds... it looked quite unfortunately like somebody had been machine gunned down in front of it. That my friends is horrible. She put lollipops in it.

Dean: Mmmm…lollipops…too bad about the vase, though.

Kitty_Bean asks: Have you ever been given hand-knitted, over-sized mittens for a present? My grandma always makes me some for Hanukah, but I never wear them because you could fit four hands in one.

Emma: She must think you have really large hands. Do you? And also, I have been given quite large mittens before. But my friend made them for me. My grandma can’t knit. She just buys really ugly sweaters.

Alvin_Mo asks: Why do people always buy me Chapters gift cards?

Dean: I’m not sure, Alvin. I don’t really know you all that well. Actually, I don’t really know you at all.

bulldog460 asks: What makes a horrible gift so horrible?

Emma: There are a lot of ways to tell if the gift you’ve been given in terrible.

1. Is it covered in cats?

2. Has it been hand-made? I know that some people think that makes the gift more thoughtful and meaningful, but they’re wrong. And likely very cheap. And that is why they made you the macaroni bracelet-necklace set in the first place. Heads up, you’re getting the earrings for Christmas.

3. Do you want/like it? If you don’t, chances are, it’s not a good present.

4. Is it itchy? That’s never good.

All good points.

Got questions? E-mail at us at deanandemmapluscrew@gmail.com. The next topic is cauliflower.

That's What She Said

You may have noticed that Emma and I have been on a bit of a hiatus. Why is that, you ask? Well, I really couldn’t tell you, but it involves people dressed up at loveable Disney characters and lots of roller coasters. It also involves Emma’s incredibly wealthy uncle. Anyway, on to the long awaited topic of “that’s what she said”.

Suggested music: Sex Bomb – Tom Jones

McLovin writes: Friendship is like a wave. You have your up and downs, and sometimes you get wet.

Dean: I really had no idea where you were going with that. But funny and kind of related to the topic, I guess. I think I’m going to make it my new motto.

Laura_Rocks writes: One time, my friend needed help rolling up her sleeping bag because she had injured her knee. I asked why her knee injury had anything to do with packing up her sleeping bag, and she said “I need your help because I can’t go on my knees”.

Emma: That is what she said.

Nina_B asks: What came first, "That's What She Said" or The Office? And did they make those jokes on the British one?

Dean: I don’t think they had it on the British one. I think it’s just a Michael Scott thing, although I honestly have never seen the British version. And I’m not sure which came first. Maybe it’s like the whole chicken and the egg thing (it’s probably not, but that’s may answer anyway).

Karl_R writes: I overheard my older sister talking to her friend on the phone once and she was complaining about this new lipstick or something. She was all, “how am I supposed to use this? It’s too hard.”

Emma: That’s what she said.

Gnarly_Joe writes: What what in the butt.

Dean: That’s not really what she said…

Princess_Possum_Pants asks: Who is “she”? And why is she so inappropriate?

Emma: She’s just a generic girl. And I would argue that she’s not exactly inappropriate. Just adventurous. And a little loose, as my grandma would say. And no, my grandmother is not a nice lady.

dean_is_a_hottie asks: Why aren’t there any “that’s what he said” jokes?

Dean: I think there are. You know, if you try to make a “that’s what she said” joke, but it isn’t gender appropriate, you can just make it into a “that’s what he said” joke. It doesn’t discriminate!

Riley_is_on_a_boat asks: How many antelopes does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Emma: Not enough.

Alright, that was weird…

Want to ask ridiculous and irrelevant questions about African animals? E-mail us at deanandemmaplsucrew@gmail.com. The next topic is horrible gifts.

Lady Gaga

Alright, so I’m back. The last topic was a little traumatizing for me, as Emma mentioned. Actually, she was surprisingly kind about that. I wonder why…Anyway, on to Lady Gaga.

Suggested music: Dude Looks like a Lady – Aerosmith

Karl_14_rocks asks: Why does Lady Gaga look like a man?

Dean: Poor genetics? A mixture of strong features and a thin face? Or perhaps she actually is a man. Wasn’t she trying to convince people that she was a hermaphrodite for a while there?

amy_jones asks: What’s your least favourite Lady Gaga song? Mine is Telephone.

Emma: Oh man, have you heard Beyoncé’s Video Phone? Clearly Lady Gaga and Beyoncé flipped a coin for who would get Video Phone and who would get Telephone. Beyoncé obviously lost.

johnny_gale writes: Lady Gaga looks like Howard Wolowitz from The Big Bang Theory. Anyway, since you never answer your phone, man, and spend all your time doing this, I figure this is the only way to get a hold of you. What do you think of Emma’s friend Lucy?

Dean: You know, she does kind of look like Howard. Funny. And Lucy’s a nice girl. Little strange, but nice. And smart. Why?

billy_bee asks: Why does everybody else keep copying Lady Gaga?

Emma: Technically, I think Lady Gaga copied other people first. Like Madonna. And possibly Gwen Stefani.

johnny_gale writes: Hmmm…so do you think I should ask out Lucy?

Dean: You know this is a public forum right? I think you already have asked her out.

dean_is_a_hottie asks: What is Lady Gaga’s real name?

Emma: Well, Wikipedia is telling me that it’s Stefani Joanne Angelina Germanotta. So it’s Stefani Joanne Angelina Germanotta.

johnny_gale writes: Okay, I’m going to do it. Lucy, will you go out with me?

Dean: Okay…this has taken a completely irrelevant turn…

Lucy_Diamond writes: Yes! I will definitely go out with you!

Emma: How precious. You heard it here first, folks. Lucy and Johnny have gotten together.

I’m just going to stop it here, because things have gotten out of hand and none of it has anything to do with Lady Gaga.

Want to ask someone out on a public website? E-mail us at deanandemmapluscrew@gmail.com. The next topic is “That’s what she said”.

Cats

Today we’re talking about cats. Dean hates cats. A lot. So he refused to partake in this one. Seriously. He really, really hates them. It has something to do with a horrible experience he had with his grandma’s eight cats when he was a child. To be fair, she’s a really mean old lady and her cats are not much nicer. So there you go. Anyway, here to help me is my friend Lucy. She’s real special.

Suggested music: What’s New Pussy Cat – Tom Jones

Kitty_kat writes: I LOVE cats!!! They’re so cute and cuddly and soft and furry!! I have two, but I really want another one. My mom won’t let me get one, though. She says that they’re horrible creatures. She’s totally WRONG! Cats are amazing!!!!

Emma: I am inclined to agree with your mother. Although, I did have one cat when I was four that was pretty cool. His name was Daredevil Boots. He actually used to hurl himself from the back of the couch and do flips in the air. Looking back on it, though, I’m not entirely certain he meant to do those flips. I think he just had an inner ear problem that threw his balance off because, more often than not, he would end up landing on his head.

Cats_suck asks: What’s up with those weird people that have like cat lawn ornaments?

Lucy: I once had a neighbour that had cat wind chimes. They were super creepy, because they had cats on them, and really annoying, because they were wind chimes. Hear that, folks? Don’t buy wind chimes. Don’t do it.

Marsha_mallow writes: I really like cats. I have a cat. Her name is Dame Fluffy Whiskerkins-Bottom.

Emma: Good Lord, is that your real name? Also, is that your cat’s real name? Because both are incredibly cruel.

Ella_Luvs_Kittens asks: What’s your favourite kind of cat?

Lucy: Tigers. Of the Siberian variety.

Nina_B writes: If I had a cat, I’d name her Susan. I’m not sure what I would name it if it was a boy. I’m leaning towards Bill.

Emma: If I had a cat, I’d name it Melvin. And if it was a girl, I’d still name it Melvin. I’d consider Melvina, though.

johnny_gale asks: Lucy, do we have biology homework?

Lucy: That has absolutely nothing to do with cats. And yes.

Gnarly_Joe asks: How can you tell if someone’s a crazy cat lady? I think my mom may becoming one.

Emma: There are three simple ways to tell if someone’s a crazy cat lady:
1. Are they a lady? If not, they could likely be a crazy cat man.

2. Are they crazy? If they’re not crazy, then they could still be obsessed with cats, which, frankly, isn’t much better.

3. Do they own a lot of cats and/or cat paraphernalia? If they don’t, then they’re probably just plain crazy.

johnny_gale writes: I know it has nothing to do with cats, but this was just a convenient way for me to ask if we had biology homework. And you told me we did, so clearly it was effective.

Lucy: True. However, in the spirit of catliness, I would like to pose a question to all of our lovely readers. If you happen to own a pet, why do people automatically buy you gifts related to said pet? Say you bought a greyhound. Why do people then feel the need to buy you greyhound calendars, greyhound coffee mugs, and greyhound post-it notes? I mean, I don’t even drink coffee!

I told you she was special.

Got questions that don’t pertain to your twelfth grade biology class? E-mail us at deanandemmapluscrew@gmail.com. The next topic is Lady Gaga.

The A-Team

Emma is back and with a vengeance. She, as predicted, did not have a good time with her aunt Sylvia and her bristly mustache. But that was to be expected. In any case, she is very excited about this topic and even picked the song for this discussion. It’s all very exciting. Let’s do this!

Suggested music: Shoot to Thrill – AC DC

Nina_B asks: Who was the new guy who plays AB in the new movie? And really, who was Mr.T? Was he anything other than AB?

Dean: Well, Nina, the actor was not actually an actor. He was, in fact, a UFC fighter. His name is Quinton Jackson, which, if I say so myself, is a pretty spectacular name. I think I will name my children that. I’ll have twin boys and name one Quinton and the other Jackson. But enough about me. Mr. T is also well-known for his role in the Rocky franchise (Rocky III, to be specific) as boxer Clubber Lang. I first read that as “Chubber Lang”, which seems rude somehow. Also, he does those World of Warcraft commercials for the nighthawk elf warrior mohawk things or whatever. I don’t really know and what’s more, I don’t really care. And finally, it’s B.A. Baracus. Not AB. Close, though. Good effort.

dean_is_a_hottie writes: I’ll have babies Quinton and Jackson with you, Dean!

Emma: I was so excited about doing this topic and you’ve completely ruined it for me. I wanted to answer questions about The A-Team and their amazing amazingness. And instead you give me this. Sigh…

Felicia_Watson asks: Have you seen the new movie? Would you recommend it to someone like me (someone being a person who wasn’t alive when the television show was on and not a teenage boy)?

Dean: I have seen it, actually. Opening night, in fact. I liked it, but then again, I am a teenage boy. Emma went with me and also liked it, but then again, she’s practically a teenage boy (bahaha). However, I wasn’t alive when the old show was on and still enjoyed it. I think you’d like it. Well, I mean, if you like pure action films. Plus, the actors did a good job. Who doesn’t like Liam Neeson? And Quinton Jackson did a surprisingly good job for not being a real actor by profession. He should look into enunciating more, though.

Franklin_M asks: What’s Mr. T’s real name?

Emma: Laurence. I kid you not.
johnny_gale writes: I also saw the movie, also with Dean and Emma. I liked it, but I am confused about Jessica Biel. She’s an alright actress and I have nothing against her, but how did she even get famous? Did it all start when she started dating Justin Timberlake?

Dean: No, no, no. Jessica Biel was sort of famous before then. She was on popular after school drama, 7th Heaven. And when I say popular, I mean a smattering of interested teen Christian followers.

Evan_Grossman asks: I just saw the new movie and I cannot for the life of me remember what Liam Neeson’s character’s name is? Also, was Liam Neeson in Batman Begins?

Emma: Okay, Liam Neeson’s character is Colonel Smith. And he was in Batman Begins. He plays classic villain Ra’s Al Gul. Maybe I spelled that wrong, but I mean really, who cares?

I certainly don’t. And let’s leave it at that.

Mildly interested in something? E-mail us at deanandemmapluscrew@gmail.com. The next topic is cats.