Metaphors

Metaphors…whoot…this is going to be terrible. Horrendous, even. So, without further delay, I give you my own personal hell.

Suggested music: Making Out – No Doubt (this one doesn’t really fit in with the topic, but honestly, what song reminds you of metaphors? I am personally never reminded of metaphors, so this was particularly challenging)

redwarrior: Really? This is the stupidest topic yet. You’re beyond lame now.

Dean: I agree, quite frankly. I mean, not about being lame, but this topic is going to be extra challenging. We’ll try to keep it interesting for you. Or, rather, I’ll just try to use a lot of different adjectives so that you can learn other words than just “lame”. Seriously, buy a thesaurus. You can get them at most bookstores.

Nina_B writes: Red Warrior is tube socks. Or toe socks. Whichever is least cool. See what I did there?

Emma: Very good metaphor. I see what you did there.

Nina_B asks: Also, I feel like this topic is the best topic ever. This topic is chocolate cake, Charles David boots, and Sauble Beach. I am so brilliant.

Dean: Ah, more adjectives. Brilliant. Paying attention, redwarrior?

geoffrey_chaucer's_lover writes: In my first year English class my prof kept going on and on about metaphysical conceit, and never even explained it. What's the difference between a metaphysical conceit and a metaphor?? I still don't know!

Emma: Good Lord. I have no idea what you’re talking about. To be perfectly honest with you, I don’t even understand half the words you used right then. Good luck with that.

redwarrior writes: I HATE you. You’re both IDIOTS.

Dean: Now I’m confused by your capitalization again. Are you emphasizing verbs or nouns? You used to capitalize adjectives. What madness is this?!

dean_is_a_hottie writes: I totally get metaphors. Like, for example, dean is a total hottie!

Emma: That is not a metaphor. It’s just dumb. Besides which, you are wrong. So, you fail on both accounts with this one. Better luck next time.

emma_rocks_my_argyle_socks writes: dean_is_a_hottie is like a goldfish. Maybe the one in the koi pond who gets eaten by a squirrel.

Dean: That’s not a metaphor, that’s a simile. And aren’t there koi in koi ponds? Wouldn’t that make more sense? But seriously, what is a koi? A type of fish or some sort of amphibian, obviously, but what do they look like? And do squirrels even eat them? Don’t squirrels just eat nuts or something? They don’t really seem like carnivores.

dean_is_a_hottie writes: Fine. I guess I’ll come up with a better metaphor. Dean is Brad Pitt!

Emma: No, he most certainly is not. Brad Pitt is Brad Pitt and I’m sure he would not appreciate Dean stealing his identity.

johnny_gale writes: I just looked up koi on Google. Apparently they are a fish. And lots of people get tattoos of them. Most of them are really ugly. Who gets a tattoo of a fish?

Dean: I think we all knew they were a type of fish, Johnny.

Share your feelings about koi fish tattoos with us at deanandemmapluscrew@gmail.com. Next we’ll be talking about peanuts.

Beyoncé

Alright, so you may have noticed that Nina_B has been writing to us a lot of late. This is wonderful. To reward her commitment to our amazing website, we have asked her to join us as a guest host. So please welcome my new friend Nina (she says hi). This time we are talking about Beyoncé.

Suggested music: Bootylicious – Destiny’s Child

Penny13 asks: What really happened between Jay-Z and Rhianna that sparked the song “Ring the Alarm”, which was really not that popular?

Dean: I’m choosing to ignore the first part of your question and I’m going to respond to the last part instead. “Ring the Alarm” was really not that popular because she seemed to have fired her choreographer and her dancing was frightening.

Nina: Considering Jay-Z’s song “99 Problems”, it would be really foolish of him to be a cheater. On the other hand, Rhianna is 6 feet tall and incredibly terrifying. She could take Jay-Z and Beyoncé if she really wanted to. So essentially, I don’t know.

princess_twinkle_sparkles asks: Do you think Beyoncé eats ice cream?

Emma: If you were incredibly wealthy, wouldn’t you eat all the ice cream you could? As a matter of fact, I think Beyoncé is a huge fan of ice cream. I also think that the rest of Destiny’s Child ate some of her ice cream. She was very upset and that’s why no one can remember their names anymore. Do not mess with Beyoncé.

Nina: I’m lactose intolerant. But Beyoncé did write a song called “Bootylicious”. Enough said.

dean_is_a_hottie asks: Does Dean think Beyoncé is a hottie? Should I be jealous?

Dean: Whoa, whoa, whoa. Moving a little too fast there, my friend. Secondly, yes. She’s very attractive. I am, however, slightly afraid of her. She seems like an angry diva that would squash me if I stood in her spotlight by accident.

Nina: Oh, dean_is_a_hottie, I always enjoy your questions, but let me assure you, Dean looks very squashable. Not even necessarily by Beyoncé.

Danny_V asks: Whatever happened to the rest of Destiny’s Child? What were their names again?

Emma: I’m telling you, they ate some of Beyoncé’s prized ice cream and she ruined their lives. Do not mess with Beyoncé.

Nina: I believe one is called Kelly Rolland. I may be wrong and I only remember her because she has terrible hair. As for the other one, I hope she’s living quietly and comfortably with all the millions of dollars she made with Destiny’s Child and that she will never try to make a come-back.

Queen_Bee writes: Doesn’t Beyoncé have a younger sister or something? Wasn’t she a singer too?

Dean: Not a very good one.

Nina: Just to clarify, I think Dean is saying she wasn’t a very good singer. He couldn’t possibly know that she’s a bad sister.

Michelle_94 writes: I once saw Beyoncé in real life. I was on a family trip to Miami and she was on a yacht with Jay-Z. I didn’t actually meet her in person, but I saw her from the beach. I bet she smells good.

Emma: That was a little weird…and probably not. If you were that rich, you would smell like money. And money smells like unclean metal and dirty paper bills. It’s probably best that you didn’t meet her in person because you would smell by association. Plus, she’d likely have a restraining order out on you now.

Nina: I once saw Beyoncé in real life too. I was at home and she was on TV. Still real life, though.

Got real life questions for us? E-mail us at deanandemmapluscrew@gmail.com. Next time we’re talking about metaphors (Nina picked it and she’s excited. I am not).

Superheroes

Superheroes! That’s right, folks, it’s superhero day here at “Emma and Dean’s Guide to Life”. This is good news. You know what else is good news? Emma has gone on a family trip to the zoo with her parents and wee little Britt. Excellent. That means that someone new is here to fill her place. Don’t get too excited, it’s just my cousin Mike.

Suggested music: The Ultimate Showdown – Lemon Demon

Tiny_Tina writes: I don’t understand what Wonder Woman represents. She’s supposed to be this iconic American symbol of virtue and truth, with high values and a strong sense of womanhood. At the same time, she wears a skimpy little costume, has double D’s, and I’m pretty sure she has a thing with both Superman and Batman. I’m confused by what she’s supposed to be symbolizing. She seems like a huge contradiction.

Dean: Umm…yes. I think her creators were trying to make a superhero that was accessible to North American women with her strong values and feminist attitude. At the same time, I don’t think they wanted to alienate their male readers. Hence the double D’s.

dean_is_a_hottie asks: Who’s Dean’s favourite superhero?

Mike: First of all, Emma is right about Dean. He’s really not that attractive. Speaking as a part of the better looking side of the family, he could do with a little more muscle and a little less eyebrow. Now on to your question. I think Dean’s favourite superhero is likely Superman. Why? Not sure. Superman is kind of lame.

Nina_B writes: First of all, where on the great good earth did you find a picture of those bikini jeans?? Am I just sheltered, naive, or normally dressed? Because I had never even heard of those things, let alone seen them. People wear that???

Secondly, on to superheros. I feel like superheros (and the comic books, graphic novels, and blockbuster movies devoted to them) have played a really big part in elevating what was formerly "nerdy" to "cool" and what was formerly "cool" to suuuuuper lame (ie guys with pink polos and the collars popped. You know what I mean). Anywhoot, this seems pretty super and powerful, no? So superheros ARE REAL!

Dean: Alright, this is a long one. So I saw the bikini jeans in a magazine once. Not surprisingly, they were listed under the category of “super ugly jeans”. If you want to see something truly horrifying, check out the “Backtacular”. And I feel like you are not sheltered nor naïve, but fortunate that you do not know that kind of horror. Well, now you do. Sorry. And apparently people in Japan and Brazil wear those, but I don’t think that’s actually true. I mean really, who would wear those? I certainly wouldn’t.

Onto the next part of your e-mail. I do know what you mean! I hate those guys and their popped collars. They all have Ed Hardy trucker hats too. What’s up with that? Seriously, they all look like John Gosselin. And I agree. Superheroes are quite super and powerful. How astute of you.

super_cute_girl asks: DC or Marvel?

Mike: Ooh…tough question. Okay, while Marvel has probably made more money in the box office in recent years, what with all three Spider-Man movies, the new Iron Man series and all its spin-offs, and X-Men, DC still has Batman. And who doesn’t love Batman? However, I just listed quite a few superheroes that are far cooler than most DC characters. Batman might be freaking awesome, but Superman can be kind of lame and who likes Aquaman? I mean, come on, what can he do out of the water? Not a heck of a lot.

Tony_Stark’s_illegitimate_love_child asks: What’s up with Nick Fury being a white dude and then Samuel L. Jackson?

Dean: What’s up with Katie Holmes being replaced by Maggie Gyllenhaal?

catwoman324 writes: DC is totally better! What are you talking about, man? Besides, Marvel has plenty of lame superheroes. What about The Fantastic Four? What was up with Jessica Alba in those movies? Also, what about Captain America? He’s not very cool.

Mike: I feel like catwoman324 is actually a guy…and Captain America is a national icon. I mean, not for me, because I’m Canadian, but Americans feel very strongly about him. Okay, American nerds feel very strongly about him. And what is with Jessica Alba in any movie? Who saw “Honey”? If you answered “I did” to that last question, I genuinely feel for you. There’s a painful two hours of my life I’ll never get back.


He’s right. “Honey” is a terrible movie. Some people should just never be blonde. Jessica Alba is one of those people. Rosie O’Donnell is another, not that she is blonde. She just shouldn’t be.

Repulsed by the thought of Rosie O’Donnell as a blonde? Share your imaginative pain with us! E-mail us at deanandemmapluscrew@gmail.com. The next topic is Beyoncé.

Muskrats

The topic right now is muskrats. Why? Ask Emma. Seriously. Write in and ask her. I would really enjoy that because it would be a lot of fun for me to hear what she has to say in response. So please, ask.

Suggested music: The Lion Sleeps Tonight – The Nylons

Mr.Chewy asks: How long are a muskrat’s whiskers?

Dean: I cannot tell a lie, Mr. Chewy, I have no idea how long a muskrat’s whiskers are. Long enough. That’s my answer.

dean_is_a_hottie asks: Why is the topic about muskrats?

Emma: First of all, don’t be such a brownnose. I’m telling you, he’s really not that good-looking. You are sorely mistaken. And to answer your question, it’s because muskrats are excellent. Who doesn’t like muskrats? Honestly.

Nina_B asks: Are muskrats musky? Is that where they got the word “musk” from? And if you called a muskrat musky, would it be offended?

Dean: I’m not sure what muskrats smell like and I don’t know if that’s where they got the word. However, I definitely think a muskrat would be offended if you called it musky, even if that’s what it really smelled like. After all, wouldn’t you be offended?

Blue_belle asks: Are muskrats those little weasely animals that live in the forest?

Emma: No, those are weasels.

cruella_devil asks: Can you make fur coats out of muskrat skins?

Dean: First of all, your name in addition to this question frightens me. Secondly, I don’t see why you’d want to make a coat out of muskrats. I mean, I’m sure it’s possible. You could probably make a fur coat out of hamsters though too.

Blue_belle asks: Okay, if muskrats aren’t those little weasely things, then are they the animals that some really freaky people keep as pets and walk them around on leashes like they’re cats?

Emma: No, those are ferrets. And who walks their cat around on a leash?

Dianna42 asks: Can you keep a muskrat as a pet? Because my older brother has like a collection of weird pets. He has a snake, a couple of hairless moles, and a baby alligator.

Dean: I think you could keep a muskrat as a pet. I’d be a little afraid that the alligator would eat it, though. On the other hand, I guess if it doesn’t eat the hairless moles, maybe it wouldn’t eat the muskrat. Although, hairless animals are kind of creepy looking, so maybe the moles are just unappealing to the alligator. And now I have completely lost sight of what the original question was…I think I answered it.

Blue_belle writes: There’s a lady on my street that walks her cat. It’s really small and has big ears and huge eyes. Like the cat that’s always on those Taco Bell commercials.

Emma: That’s not a cat. That’s a Chihuahua. And Chihuahuas are dogs.

And on that note…

Got ridiculous questions about Mexican dogs? E-mail us at deanandemmapluscrew@gmail.com. The next topic is going to be superheroes.

Denim

The topic today is denim. I was away last week, as Emma said, but I had a reason, not that she cared. Clearly. I was away with my friend Johnny Gale. That’s pretty much all you need to know. Anyway, now it’s time to talk about denim.

Suggested music: Save a Horse (Ride a Cowboy) – Big & Rich

Nina_B writes: Did you know that if you do a mash up of your names it could be denim? Or more like Dean-em. But really close.

Dean: Umm…no, actually. I never thought of it. Thanks for pointing it out, though.

Karl21 asks: How do you feel about a jean vest with jeans?

Emma: Well, Karl, I don’t feel good about it. Only rednecks wear denim on denim. Don’t do it. Unless you’re a redneck, in which case, you probably won’t listen to me anyway.

little_rosie asks: What’s the worst kind of jeans ever?

Dean: That’s a tough one because there are so many to choose from. But I would have to say…bikini jeans. They’re jean on the bottom, with a denim bikini bottom attached on top. I’m not really sure what the point of them is. Maybe they were invented simply to win awards in the “worst jeans ever” category.

johnny_gale writes: I’ve decided to write into your website and harass you. Just for fun. What are we even talking about this time?

Emma: Oh, good. I was hoping I would have to talk to you on a regular basis. And we’re talking about denim.

redwarrior: Are you seriously still doing this? Why don’t you take a hint and stop already? You are so beyond LAME!

Dean: How many times have you called us lame? A lot, I would guess. Maybe you should find a better adjective. Switch it up a little. Maybe you could buy a thesaurus.

beverly_hill_billie writes: Excuse me, but I guess I am what you might call a “redneck” because I wear denim on denim all the time.

Emma: You should really consider not doing that.

Danielle347 writes: I think the worst piece of denim I’ve ever seen is a fringed vest that merged into denim skirt that was ankle length. It also had fringe.

And let’s leave it on that slightly disturbing note.

Got questions or even more complaints? E-mail us at deanandemmapluscrew@gmail.com. The next topic is muskrats.